The Bond
by Lhflu
Summary: A new look at an old theme. What is that bond between Kirk and Spock? Story 1 of 4 in a series. Slash. Re-edit 7/26/10.
1. Chapter 1

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. You have seen this story before. This is the re-edit. 7/26/10

I can count the number of times we had sex on one hand.

I know you're shocked. Looking back, so am I. I, James T. 'Tomcat' Kirk entered into a marriage and had sex with my spouse four, count them, FOUR times. It's so astonishing, so against my character, that those who have written my biographies would fall over if they knew. Well, as I said many years ago, double dumb-ass on them. They don't need to know. Those times may have been few, but they were memorable. I won't tarnish them by making a public announcement.

Don't worry, I'll share them with you. But only because I need to remember, not because you need to know, okay?

Now, let me be frank here. I wouldn't call any of our times 'normal', but our first joining actually seemed like the train-wreck of a cliche that I'm sure my biographers have been spouting for decades.

It all started with pon farr, the most hidden of all Vulcan secrets. Which made it a real pain in the neck. If I had known about that biological imperative earlier, things might have been a lot less life-threatening.

Yes, I was the reason Spock survived the Kal-i-fee. Because I was able to neutralize the threats against him.

He was threatened by his bitch of a fiancee. T'Pring would have stabbed him in the back if she hadn't found it more fun to make him kill the puny little human by his side.

But, more importantly, Spock was also threatened by himself. I honestly believe he would have died in a ritual suicide if Bones hadn't pulled a fast one to keep me alive. That neural paralyzer 'saved the universe', as the historians would say. I know it saved my personal universe. What would I have been without my shadow? A pompous ass with delusions of grandeur, that's what. Instead, I honestly made a difference. Because he was by my side.

But I digress...

Before you ask, let me say that the gossipmongers were right about that day. We did bond during the ceremonial battle. As that paralyzer took hold, causing me to collapse onto the red sands of my friend's homeworld, I felt his mind grab at and fit itself to mine. I swear, the 'snap' as the two pieces came together was almost audible. But he didn't hear or feel it. The lingering effects of the plak tow hid the joining from him.

I knew that even though I was losing consciousness as it happened. Because the last thing I remember of being on Vulcan was the 'snap' of the bond and his mental scream through it. He thought I was dead. He thought there was nothing more for me, or for him.

But when he found out otherwise, he recovered from his pain beautifully. All it took was for him to hear my voice behind him. Yes, the smile that lit up his face was as brilliant as Sol, as mind-blowing as the Crab Nebula or any of the other amazing space oddities I've seen. At the time, I had wished I had a holocam to record the moment.

Not now. That smile was for me and me alone. I even feel jealous that Bones got a look at it. But I don't hold it against him. Because we never told him what happened next. Well, not verbally. I'm pretty sure the physical evidence spoke for itself. I knew that he was aware of the hidden parts of my relationship with my first officer when Spock died saving us.

But let me get back to the beginning...

After the Kal-i-fee, Spock lied. No, not evaded, misdirected, omitted, or any of the thousand terms he substituted for that word over the years. Spock LIED. His urge to mate did not fade with our battle.

Yes, the plak tow temporarily receded. Killing your captain will do that, I suppose. It's an emotional shock. Vulcans work so hard to suppress their emotions that when they encounter one they can't push into a little box, it affects them physically.

That Vulcan tendency was unexpected, to say the least. To make matters worse, Spock was so good at suppressing that I was the only one who noticed that he still wasn't quite right. When I asked Bones if he could see the powder keg inside Spock, he asked me why I was trying to project my emotions onto our friend. McCoy knew the whole situation on Vulcan had upset me. He just had no clue about how much it had upset Spock.

I'm not complaining about Spock's reaction, though. The hold on his pon farr gave me a chance to prepare.

I needed to get ready because my bondmate, in a very human way, was fooling himself. I could feel, through the bond, that he was convinced he could ride the rest of the mating cycle alone. I knew better. Feelings like that don't just go away. They keep building until they explode.

So how did I prepare?

No, I didn't spread incense and candles all over my room. No, I didn't stop off at some pleasure planet to get all my Vulcan's favorite foods. The romantic gestures wouldn't have mattered, anyway. Spock believed candles were a danger on a starship. The only ones he allowed aboard the ship were those in vessels that have a safety valve to extinguish the flame, like his meditation candle. And as far as food...he would eat anything vegetarian that wasn't Italian. Seriously.

Yes, I know. Get to the point, Jim. Okay, I didn't plan a seduction, not in the classical sense. I did something much more basic. I reserved a gym room for two days. Then I went to Scotty and I lied straight to his face. I told him Starfleet had commed me on a private channel and they had requested that Spock and I participate in a top-secret project.

"We don't need to leave the ship," I said to my chief engineer. "We just need to be alone for a few days to do some research."

I don't know if Scotty bought my line, but he never questioned me about it. He just nodded and took the conn.

My gut tells me he would have done the same if we were in the middle of a battle with the Klingons instead of a milk run from Altair VI to Vesuvius V. He would have done it just because his captain asked him to. I didn't deserve the crew I was blessed with. I know that now. Thank you, my friend.

Yes, yes, I'm getting there. Be patient. I'm an old man. I need time to process my thoughts.

Once I made sure we were both off-duty, I invited Spock to the gym for some hand-to-hand combat. It was something we did on a fairly regular basis. He usually seemed to enjoy sweeping me over the mat. But this time, he wasn't thrilled by the idea.

I could see him hesitate as we stood in the hallway near our cabins. I could feel his apprehension through the bond. He didn't want to hurt me. Our fight on Vulcan had him preoccupied with thoughts of how fragile I was compared to his super-human strength.

I didn't give a damn about his fears. Not when I kept hearing Bones' voice in my head. It was continually repeating 'If he doesn't mate, he will die.' I had to do something to help Spock, or I would end up losing one of the best friends I had ever had. So I dragged him to the gym.

No, not literally. My first officer was so well-trained that I could deceive him by acting normally. All I had to do was start walking toward the room I had reserved while I talked about the change in the duty roster scheduled for the next week. Spock knew better than to give me less than his total attention during discussions of ship business. In fact, his focus on me was so intent that I don't think he even realized where we were until I thumbed the lock on the door.

I kept the discussion going as I walked into the room, so of course he followed. I talked as I locked the door, I talked as I changed my clothes.

Although he was loathe to interrupt our discussion, he wasn't entirely comfortable with our new location or the activities it implied. As soon as he entered the room, he leaned against the wall furthest from me in hopes of not giving into the urges within him.

I didn't stare and I didn't say anything about his obvious difficulty. I knew if I was going to succeed in giving Spock what he needed, I had to get past that infuriatingly logical mind of his. I was going to have to catch him by surprise.

So as I finished my discussion of the duty roster, I walked closer to him. I made sure that I looked casual. I didn't stalk him. I just moved as I normally would during a long and involved discussion. But I made sure my body language inched me toward him. Then, the second he turned his head away from me, I grabbed him.

My first attack was an offensive move popular with Orion merchants. He countered that easily. Then, a Klingon move. Again, my friend simply pushed me away. So I changed my tactics and went with something as familiar as breathing. I put him in a human chokehold.

Finally, success. Considering the way we were standing, the only way Spock could get free was to drop me to the floor. That's exactly what I needed and I took advantage of it quickly. As I went down, I pulled him with me. To make sure he followed me to the mat, I kicked a leg out from under him.

In seconds, Spock was lying on me and I could feel the evidence of his 'recovery' from pon farr. Recovery, my ass. I know a raging hard-on when I feel one.

The idiot still tried to pull away from me. He still tried to gather his composure, even after panting on my face with that fiercely hot breath of his. Of course I didn't let him. Instead, I allowed the sensations from our bond to overtake me, and in the process, accepted his heat into me. As I felt Spock's need, that gentle, playful tomcat inside me turned into a fierce cougar. I grabbed him with all my might and held on until those pushes against me reversed and became clutches, clawing. Signs of possession.

We burned.

It wasn't gentle. It wasn't loving. Instead, it was raw, possessive, painful and fierce. He clawed at my clothes. I ripped at his. His hands left bruise marks where he held me. I left small wounds wherever my mouth touched him. And when we came together, when he slid that double ridged cock into me, I screamed. In pain, yes. It hurt like a bitch. Spock was too far gone to be gentle by then. But also in possession. He was mine! I claimed him that day as much as he claimed me. The bond flared to life and helped us in our quest to get ever closer to each other. The need consumed us for three days.

All I can remember of those days now is heat, heat and fullness. For those three days, he was everything to me. We didn't eat. I drank water from the faucet in the connected lavatory only when my body insisted. We slept when we couldn't keep our eyes open. The rest of the time, we mated.

No, we didn't make love. We mated. Love was for others, those who could afford to think as well as feel. We were controlled by a drive that allowed no chance of thought. Its commands were primitive, instinctive, and yes, very very painful, mentally and physically.

The biological imperative took its toll on us before it let us go. We were both completely covered in bruises when we finally left that room and composed ourselves well enough to go back to duty. We were weary, both outside and in. So weary that we struggled to move.

We were also feeling psychic effects of our time together. The bond was quiet because we needed space away from each other. Mental contact now hurt because we had spent much of the time using our minds as battering rams, trying to destroy any barriers between us.

But there was a contentment inside my mind that hadn't been there before. It leaked out of me and into Spock. Just as his worry for my safety leaked into me.

We were part of each other. We were no longer two people. We were one.

I wouldn't have had it any other way.

end part 1


	2. Chapter 2

After Spock's pon farr ended...well that's where the gossippers have it all wrong. There were no clandestine meetings in storage closets, no strip chess in our cabins. In fact, nothing changed.

Nothing changed.

Spock went back to being my oh-so-competent first officer. I went back to being the golden child of the Fleet.

At first, yes, I did wonder at the return to our independent lives. Weren't we supposed to function as a couple, at least during downtime?

Not knowing how to ask him, I tried to catch his eye on the bridge. I tried to gauge his emotions when we played chess. But he turned away from me, hiding whatever he was feeling.

Yes, Spock has emotions. All Vulcans do. Because of the fierceness of their feelings, those dignified people don't trust that they can express themselves without destroying everyone. But the emotions are still there. If you watch a Vulcan's face carefully, you can see them just below the surface, trying to get out.

Usually, Spock was more expressive than most Vulcans. He went against what he was taught in deference to his very human captain and mostly human crew, I believe. But that didn't help me as I tried to understand what I had gotten myself into. When I tried to bring up his pon farr, when I tried to ask if our sexual relationship would continue, even when I tried to ask if T'Pring would suffer any consequences from what she did, the bastard stonewalled me.

His face turned into a sheet of ice with pointed ears. He clammed up and wouldn't say a word until I changed the subject. His silence made me want to bang my head against a wall.

Yes, I did attempt to question him through the bond. But he had his side of it shielded so tightly that I barely noticed it existed sometimes. Trying to talk through it was like trying to talk through a three-meter thick brick wall. Impossible.

I have to give him credit, though. Through all of it, Spock never gave any indication he was less than a friend to me. In fact, right after his pon farr, he was the one that kept our friendship going. When I turned away from him, confused by his shields and silences, he would offer another chess game or insist we meet for lunch.

So, through his example and his persistent coaxing, I slowly learned he still wanted to be with me. Just not sexually.

That was definitely a blow to my ego. I was, after all, the cadet who slept with half of my class, all genders and species included. Or so they say.

But I got over it. After a time, my inner tomcat re-emerged. I kissed pretty women again. I slept with those who caught my eye, both male and female. I met Edith and Rayna and suffered when I lost them. When they died, I honestly mourned them and wondered what it would have been like to spend the rest of my life in their embraces.

That isn't to say I didn't have moments when I yearned for and, in one instance, fought for my bondmate. Because Spock, too, had his affairs.

I barely contained my jealousy over Zarabeth. And Leila Kalomi...God, yes, I know it wasn't her fault. The spores made them turn to each other. Unfortunately, or perhaps not, that didn't stop me from wanting to tear that girl limb from limb for taking Spock away from me.

As I remember it...I controlled the feeling the best I could until I was able to trick Spock into beaming back to the ship. Then I let all my anger and jealousy rip as I taunted him into a frenzy. It didn't take long before I got what I needed out of him: anger, the only way to break the spores' spell. But with anger comes aggression. So, as I watched the heat flare in his eyes, I braced myself for the inevitable.

I thought I was ready when his arm started swinging. But nothing could have prepared me for the feeling that came with the punches. When he decked me the first time, I felt the shield in the middle of our bond tear open. Pure lust flooded my mind. It was so overwhelming that I think we both orgasmed as I bounced off the transporter room wall and hit the floor. But his logical mind reasserted itself as the spores loosened their hold on him and the shield slid back into place before I could even stand.

He didn't escape the spores' spell unscathed. Logical Vulcan or not, my first officer couldn't hide how much he was affected by what just happened. It hurt him in ways I knew I couldn't understand, not being Vulcan myself.

But not understanding was no excuse for not helping. When I saw how Spock struggled to regain his composure, I did my best to become his captain once again. It was hard, but he needed his friend right then, not his mate. To his mind, his mate did not signify comfort, as most spouses do for humans. So, I suppressed my feelings and fought to be what he needed. With my success, we grew closer as friends.

Just for the record, that wasn't sex. I don't know what it was. Instantaneous release, perhaps?

Although he wouldn't talk about it, I knew Spock wasn't completely indifferent to the bond between us. He made use of it a few times while we were on our original five-year mission. The incident that supports our 'legend' the most is its use during my phase shift when we were trapped by the Tholians. He used the bond to tether me to the ship during the sporadic phase changes and then pulled on it to drag me back into our universe.

Then there were the times I don't really want to acknowledge because I'm sure they caused Spock pain. The times when I needed my mate, not just my friend. Because, to humans, spouses are very much about comfort.

The first time he used the bond to comfort me was after the death of Miramanee, the woman I took as my wife when I was marooned on Amerind with no memory of my past. My poor Miramanee. She couldn't have known how fruitless it was to marry me. She couldn't have known that my soul belonged to another.

But she was good to me, and for me, in her own way. And the way she died...I couldn't help but feel guilty about it, even though my crew assured me that there was nothing I could have done to help her.

When I returned to the ship after her death, I was a wreck. Even with my memory restored, I honestly could have seen myself by her side for the rest of my life, catering to her little tribe. In some respects, I might have even been happy. But I would have missed my ship and my mate.

That conflict tore at me. I could have been partially happy with her or somewhat happy with my chosen life. Any other future I could see also appeared incomplete. I couldn't see any way to have it all. She was gone by that point, so there was no reason to linger over that future. But, for some reason, I couldn't tear myself away from the possibilities she had opened to me.

With that filling my head that first night back on the ship, I inevitably had trouble sleeping. I tossed and turned for hours, knowing that when alpha shift came at 0800, I was going to be miserable. But I was also certain that if I got up, I'd never sleep. So I kept fighting with myself to banish Miramanee's haunting image and get some rest.

But nothing worked. I struggled until 0300, when I heard light footfalls come towards my bunk.

Now, Spock had entered my room before this without an invitation. Most of the intrusions occurred when emergencies demanded he find me as soon as possible. But he usually announced himself as he walked through the door connecting our bathroom to my cabin.

Not this time. This time, he simply walked over to my bunk and slid under the covers to spoon against my back. Then he lifted the shield in the bond and let his presence calm my mind.

The soothing wave that he directed at me pulled tears from my eyes within seconds. No, it wasn't love that I felt from him, not exactly. It was...concern, a desire to comfort. Protectiveness. That's what it was, a desire, a need to protect me.

He accomplished his goal in spades. His body wrapped around mine tightly, providing a physical barrier between me and the galaxy beyond us. And his mind...his mind wrapped around mine like a blanket, quieting my spirit and easing my conflict for a time.

Spock did all of that by just being there. He didn't present me with logical solutions, didn't argue that I had no reason to be so upset about my state of affairs. He just stopped the stream of thoughts that was overtaking me, making it easier for me to mourn and rest.

My bondmate let me cry myself to sleep in those early morning hours. I guess he thought I needed the release. By that point, he had figured out what contrary creatures we humans are. We often express our emotions violently during crises. Though the expression hurts at the time, we are happier for it later. As my mate would undoubtedly say, the scenario is not logical, but it is often true.

He must've cancelled our conn duty in the wee hours before he came to me, because he let me sleep through alpha shift. I woke a couple of times that morning, numb and a bit confused. Each time, it only took a small squeeze from those powerful arms to comfort me and ease me back to sleep.

When my body finally demanded that I get out of bed, it was 1400 and Spock was gone. Well, physically, at least. He wasn't in the room. But he was still in my head. Looking within, I felt a calming, soothing presence on the edge of my mind. That presence allowed me to get up and get dressed. Then it coaxed me into walking to the bridge for beta shift and allowing Scotty a much needed break.

The presence stayed with me for weeks. I know Spock monitored me through it, but he didn't use it to interfere with my daily work or command decisions. That would have been counterproductive. He knew I would fight him if he attempted to rein me in. So he stayed by my side in the bond, just as he did in the physical universe. He was simply there, within me, until I went to bed. At that point, the presence became stronger, to quiet my mind so I could sleep.

But that pathway in the bond, that limited connection, didn't last. After awhile, the shield between us slid back into place. I remember it like it was yesterday, even though I suppose I shouldn't remember it at all. Spock closed us off from each other when I was mourning Rayna's death. When, to ease the pain that the bond seemed to not protect against, he whispered one word.

"Forget."

For a time, I did. I forgot Rayna. I forgot I had a bond with Spock.

Until he tried to break it.

end part 2


	3. Chapter 3

I've broken my limbs on plenty of occasions. Running off where angels fear to tread will often get you hurt. So it's no wonder that I've broken ribs, collarbones, and a few fingers here and there.

Every one of those injuries hurt like hell. They all throbbed constantly, reminding me that despite just having a brush with death, I was still very much alive.

Although I didn't experience it in its fullest intensity, I can tell you that a broken bond feels far worse than any physical injury. Hell, it feels like death itself. With that kind of pain, it's a wonder that any Vulcan survives the demise of his or her mate.

It was so bad that I thought I was going to die just from the nick Spock gave the bond. The worst part of the whole ordeal was that he did it to get away from me. He did it because he couldn't figure out how to be that close to me when we were on two different planets...

I received Spock's message from Gol three years after we parted ways. It wasn't unusual for him to send me notes every once in awhile, but he never really said anything of any importance in them. Neither did I, when I replied. That was probably the first sign that we were having a problem relating to each other outside the structure of command.

But neither of us did anything about it. We just went about our business and sent each other meaningless messages every so often. So I didn't think anything of the recording that I received that day. I thought it was a status report, just like old times. When, in fact, he was trying to tell me goodbye.

Amanda later told me that the initiates in Gol are allowed one message, at the time and to the person of their choosing, to let the outside galaxy know their of their intention to become one of the Kohlinar.

Nobody ever questioned why Spock chose me. That's obvious. Even though no being other than ourselves knew about the bond, it was known throughout the galaxy that I was Spock's best friend and that he was my shadow. We were supposed to be inseparable.

Never again did I believe in 'supposed to be'.

I truly thought he had gone to Gol to get more in touch with his Vulcan side. When I discussed it with Bones, we figured that the humans aboard the ship had 'contaminated' him a little too much. We thought he just needed time away from all the illogic.

Forever never entered our minds.

It was most certainly on Spock's. Although I didn't understand the message at the time, when I listened to it again later, I realized that it was meant to convey the beginning of the worst kind of forever imaginable, a forever without him.

At the time, though, I thought that it was just a friendly note. Because I believed I had heard all of it from him before.

I heard him speak of his desire to become one of the completely logical ones. I heard him thank me for my friendship and guidance. Then I turned off the comm panel with a sigh and leaned back in my office chair, wondering what Spock would be like when I saw him again.

Later, I found out that a notice had been sent to Spock after I listened to the message. He must have used it as a cue to take action. Because two minutes later, I was screaming loudly enough to bring in my secretary, my 1100 appointment, and two repair chiefs who were talking in the hallway outside my office door.

Of course, at this point I didn't remember the bond. Spock had made me forget it when he eased the thoughts of Rayna from my mind. So when the pain started, all I knew was that my brain felt like it was splitting into two.

The agony interfered with my ability to think. All I could do when it began was clutch at my chair, then at my head, hoping I could keep my two hemispheres from rending themselves from each other.

But I wasn't helpless under the assault. My inborn persistence wouldn't allow me to be.

As I moaned in pain, the bond flared to life. Later, Spock told me that was actually my doing, not his. It seemed that, although my conscious mind didn't remember our connection, my unconscious was damned if it was going to let my bondmate go without a fight. No, Spock didn't phrase it exactly that way. I just want to give my mind the emotional quality I'm sure was there.

Spock sounded impressed when he relayed to me his side of the whole mess. I am psy-null. According to the experts, I can receive psychic input, I can participate in a joint psychic event. But I'm not supposed to be able to initiate anything.

I guess my unconscious mind figured that this wasn't a good time to start accepting my limitations. So it pulled my consciousness into the fray. It freed those memories Spock had trapped.

Imagine it. There I was in my office, surrounded by people screaming my name, trying to get me to tell them what was wrong. But internally...internally there was a war going on. The second the bond opened, I remembered everything. Suddenly I could sense things that had been hidden from me a few minutes before.

I could feel Spock tugging on the bond, trying to disconnect it from my mind. I could hear my instinctive shouts of pain, both in the room and in my mind. Then my consciousness finally gathered its faculties and I deliberately shouted a desist order into the bond. Using all my mental strength, I shoved at Spock's presence, pushing it back over to his side of our connection.

Then I, the psy-null, slammed down a shield in an attempt to deny him access to the bond. Somehow, whether it was due to some psy powers that never showed up on my screenings or Spock's realization that he was causing me pain, the torture stopped. I even felt a gentle wave against the shield I had constructed. An apology, I think. I wanted to fling it back in his face, but I was too tired and too mad to respond.

And I had to deal with the fallout going on in my office. I had a hell of a time explaining, or lying about, the event that had me surrounded by a good portion of the Operations staff when I finally opened my eyes. I made up some excuse about being stressed due to the unexpected death of a friend. I needed rest, I said.

What I really needed was to do something other than sit at a desk and look important. All the bureaucracy was boring me.

To make matters worse, I had had little support to help me through the changes that had come so swiftly. I had moved up the ranks, but I had lost my friends along the way. I had ended up marrying just to assuage the loneliness, then divorced when I found that my wife couldn't even hold a candle to Chekov.

Professionally, I knew I couldn't last much longer behind a desk. I was yearning for space, adventure, and the companionship that was supposed to last a lifetime. But that was gone, never to return, or so I thought. As I pined for my best friends, one making a home in the mountains of Georgia and the other turning away from all of us, I was becoming very restless.

Everyone knows a restless Jim Kirk is a dangerous one.

So I pulled as many strings as I could and made my way back home. To the Enterprise. And I dragged my Georgian best friend with me. The other, my bondmate...well, I wasn't ready to risk the bond and my sanity by insisting he come home. But I couldn't help but look at that spot in my mind with hope...and some fear.

While I worked on getting to my ship, I actively monitored my connection with Spock, in case he tried to separate us again. But it was quiet except for the occasional apologetic wave that gently bounced against my shield. From this tentative attempt at contact, I gathered that Spock was sorry for what he had done, but wasn't ready to expose himself to me. That suited me just fine. I wasn't ready to be exposed to him, either. What he did hurt me in so many ways.

Such was the state of our relationship when I finally went to Spacedock and boarded the Enterprise. We were 'parted but never parted' as I watched my ex-wife die in a transporter accident. We were estranged as I started my power struggle with Will Decker for the captaincy of my Beautiful Lady.

The start of my second stay on the Enterprise was the most depressing event of my life. And it only appeared to get worse when Spock's shuttle docked with the ship to bring him onboard.

As his second family, we welcomed him home with open arms. Even after the pain he had caused me, I was willing to let him return to my side because...well, because he was Spock. But within seconds, we could see this being who boarded the ship was not our Spock. His stay on Vulcan had done something terrible to him.

I could see the feelings of betrayal in my bridge crew's eyes as Spock gazed at us like we were vermin. And me? I raged at myself for letting him go and at the Vulcan people for changing him.

We had entrusted the well-being of our brother to the world that had raised him. But it returned to us what appeared to be an empty shell.

After Spock left the bridge to find a uniform, Uhura, Sulu and Chekov radiated confusion. Bones' face contorted with outrage every time Spock's name was mentioned. I just felt numb. His coldness was just one more blow to our friendship, one more wound on my psyche.

Since I didn't know how to bring *our* Spock back, I pushed the pain to the back of my mind and got on with our mission.

Although I kept looking for ways to get through to my bondmate, nothing changed between us as we encountered V'ger. I peered into the bond many times, trying to find the being I knew, but nothing peered back, not even when Ilia was absorbed by V'ger.

I felt shocked and slighted. Even though it wasn't my woman who suffered this time, I felt sure that my bondmate would feel the need to check on me, just to make sure I wasn't being pained by memories of loves who had been pulled from me.

But I felt nothing from Spock. And that caused the anger within me to flare up. As I remembered what he had done in the past to comfort me, his current coldness made me want to shoot the leaders of the Kohlinar.

For a few moments, hidden in a turbolift, I let my rage consume me. Then I arranged my face into my captain's mask and went to chase after my overly curious science officer. I'd be damned if I'd let that gigantic computer we encountered kill him before I had a chance to give him a piece of my mind.

Yes, V'ger was magnificient. It was awe-inspring. But it also was bitterly cold, colder than even Spock was at that point. The big tin can had to absorb an emotional being to have any concept of feelings. Even then, it barely understood what it had assimilated into itself.

But as I watched Spock join with it, I began to have a hunch that something, someONE was warming, becoming...growing as we hoped V'ger would in the future. As I yanked Spock away from his mindmeld with the giant machine and into sickbay, there was nothing to indicate that anything had changed. His unconscious body showed no signs of a miraculous transformation. The bond between us was quiet. But when I shifted my attention to the connection, it hummed faintly, as if anticipating something.

When my science officer woke laughing...LAUGHING!, I nearly fell over in shock and relief. *This* was what the bond had been waiting for. Our Spock was back!

Of course, the first thing that returned was that quirky mind of his. Indulgently, I listened to him wax poetic about the state of the being outside our hull. I paid what attention I could to his conclusions. But honestly, I was more focused internally, where he was tapping a light but persistent request for entry on my shield.

With each tap, I was gaining hope that we could reconcile, but I was still too scared to let him in. So I just listened to the steady beat as we debated about how to speak to V'ger. When we eased the machine through its 'tantrum', I took comfort in my bondmate's persistence.

Then my heart nearly leapt into my throat as Spock let his emotions reign for a short time. When Spock cried at the futility of V'ger's logical quest to understand our emotional connections, his tapping turned into a pounding.

I almost opened to him then, but I was still hesitant. He hadn't said that he was giving up on the Kohlinar, and that worried me. I didn't think I could bear to let him in if it meant he would leave again later.

But the situation as it stood bothered me. We were basically at an impasse, stalled by our previous choices.

I needed to find the best path for us. I needed to talk it out with someone. But I had nobody to turn to now. Bones didn't know we were bonded, and my other best friend was not in the position to give me an objective opinion.

So I did the only thing I could. I masked my feelings and went back to work.

I was outwardly calm as we prepared to trick V'ger into transmitting its information cache. And yes, I was honestly prepared to give my life to it to save my crew. But Spock, in his wisdom, allowed fate to decree that each of us should be joined with the one who meant the most to us. Will had more to gain by becoming one with that machine. I had a lifetime to work out with a stubborn Vulcan who, as we headed away from V'ger, was still trying to gain entry to the bond.

I sighed. Now that the crisis was over, I had to make a decision. Should I let Spock in or demand that he separate us once and for all? He was making it clear, by his pounding, that the current state of affairs was unsatisfactory. In all honesty, I didn't want us to go on as we were at the moment, either. Limbo was hell on the nerves.

Once I admitted that to myself, it took mere seconds to realize that I already made the decision. So, I gave Sulu the conn and motioned for Spock to follow me to my quarters. It was time to resolve our impasse.

As we stepped inside my cabin, I waved him into the chair by my desk. Then I leaned against the wall in front of it and watched him.

Oddly enough, it was my bondmate who found the nerve to speak first. "Jim, I am sorry." Spock bowed his head in an obvious sign of remorse, for once not even trying to meet my eyes. In the bond, he created one more wave of apologetic feelings and pushed it gently against the shield. I think he was hoping I'd open the barrier so he could let the wave flow through my mind.

"You-you nearly killed me!" I rasped as I struggled with the part of me that wanted to push him away. I wasn't ready to let him in just yet. I needed something before I could allow him access to my inner being. What that was, I didn't know. But I trusted my gut.

"I did not anticipate your death. If I had, I would not have tried to sever the bond," Spock countered logically. Yeah, I knew no matter how he felt about the bond, he hadn't wanted to cause me pain.

But I was furious. I was hurt. To me, this was no time for logic. So, I just glared at him.

We would have been stuck at that point forever if my bondmate had not put our relationship before his pride. When I remember what he did, I also remember the reason I fell in love with him. He was a good man with a good heart, and he did whatever was best for those around him, no matter how much it pained him.

This time, Spock proved that by doing something so simple and yet so amazing that when I think of it today, I still get a tear in my eye. He held out his hands, palm up, in a universal sign of pleading.

Spock begged. He let go of his strong Vulcan pride and begged his mate for forgiveness. How could I remain passive against that?

Of course I didn't. I dropped the shield quicker than I'd drop an overloading phaser.

Instantly, I felt Spock's mental presence reach for mine. As he surrounded me, I was amazed to feel fear flow from him. He was as scared of me as I was of him. He knew that if he did anything wrong, I'd bolt. So, treating me like a skittish colt, my mate slowly eased me into his psychic touch and tried to soothe me.

I was hesitant but far from unmoved. I didn't leave the wall I was propped up on, but internally, I slowly leaned into him. He felt like home, and right then, the thing I needed most was to feel like I belonged.

As my resolve to keep him away crumbled, I could sense his relief. That shocked me. It seemed contrary to everything he had done up to this point.

"You want to be with me?" I asked, examining his face skeptically. He was the one who had tried to disconnect the bond, after all.

"Of course I wish to be with you. How could I not? You are my mate." His eyes conveyed to me a certainty that told me he had contemplated our future longer than I had. Having control over your emotions did come with advantages. I hadn't had time to think. I was still reeling from the rollercoaster he had put me on earlier.

But that didn't mean I let him get away with what he had done. "You have a hell of a way of showing it, mister. You nearly gave me a lobotomy a week ago. Then, when you came onboard, you acted as if I'm the lowest of the low. How the hell was I supposed to know that you wanted my company?" I growled angrily.

One thing I had always admired about Spock is that he admitted his errors. This time was no exception. By the time I was done berating him, he had bent toward the floor submissively. "I was selfish, my t'hy'la. I did not consider your needs. I let my desire for logic blind me and hide the cries of your soul."

Then, after noting my body language and realizing I was not convinced, he slid off the chair and fell to his knees in front of me.

The sight of him bowing in front of me, waiting for punishment, nearly brought me to tears. And when he made changes in the bond, I couldn't help but moan. It was as if a great weight was being lifted. Because, finally, Spock tried to meet me on my terms instead of his. In the bond, where there was usually a carefully measured communication or cautious sharing of self in our connection, I felt a flood.

For a few short minutes, Spock offered his katra to me. Not to take and hold, as he would thrust that upon Bones in a few short years. I was offered a chance to look at, touch, examine the essence of my mate. I did so eagerly and quickly found myself overwhelmed by the experience.

I collapsed in front of my bondmate with a cry. Tears streamed down my face as I saw his fears of hurting me during our bonding. I gasped as I suddenly understood his lapse back into friendship afterwards. It was his way of shielding me from his emotions. He had been afraid of shocking me with his love. Yes, love! That emotion that Vulcans seem to want to avoid at all cost.

The injustice of our situation was too much to bear. I screamed in outrage at the Vulcan teachings that he had followed. The ones that had kept us from being so much more than we were.

My reaction seemed to agitate Spock. "Shh. Jim. Jim, you must calm yourself," he murmured as he pulled me into his arms and cradled my body. I could feel his panic and worry. He, in return, could feel the pain within me and did his best to get rid of it. But I couldn't respond to his comforting touches. I was lost in the world of 'could have been'.

Spock told me later that he was terrified at that moment. Yes, he said that word. Terrified. He tried talking to me, he tried comforting me both physically and mentally. But he couldn't help my mind let go of the feelings that were consuming me.

So he did something that was much more a part of my nature than his. He made love to me.

Yes, my logical Vulcan, who had so little experience with that emotion, offered his version of it to me. He did it because he felt he had to. But knowing what I do now, I also think he did it because he wanted to.

As one would expect, Spock approached the situation logically. He stripped us and laid me out on the floor, with no help from me. I was still lost to him at the start. And he knew that I wouldn't be able to respond without his intervention.

So he worked tirelessly and patiently on something that should have been a joy, but started out as a burden. Slowly, slowly, those light touches he brushed over my body brought me back to him. As I returned to the present, I gazed up into the eyes of my mate. And he smiled, the love plain to see in his eyes. I nearly cried again, this time in happiness.

Sensing his need to pay for his crime, I let him do his penance on my body. It was wonderful, but not because of the physical sensations. Those I knew well from my various other encounters. It was his mind that stirred me again and again on that bed we made of military-grade carpet. I became drunk on his delight in me. I was dazed by his satisfaction in being wrong about us.

Through it all, I was comforted by his love.

Now don't get me wrong, the physical stuff did happen. There were two sweaty bodies on that floor trying to get as close to each other as possible. There were moans, shouts and orgasms. I did walk a bit oddly the next day. Spock's endowment puts me to shame. Spock did find out what all those women see in me. I am glad to say he was quite logically impressed.

But when it was all said and done, I would have given up every touch, every orgasm, for the slightest mental touch through the bond. Feeling your lover's emotions inside your head is that good.

All together, we spent about 18 hours getting reacquainted with each other. Of course, that time wasn't just spent in carnal or bonded contact with each other. While we rested from our exertions, we finally talked about *us*. We laid out our hopes and fears for us to examine together.

We didn't solve anything that night. All of it was too new and too overwhelming. But we took the first tentative steps towards being bonded in the full sense of the word. Spock agreed to discuss our connection with his father. I told him I'd tackle informing McCoy. Then we made plans to look for an apartment in San Francisco.

Finally, after assuring ourselves that we wanted to stay together, we slept in each other's arms.

In the morning, my logical First Officer was back and ordering his captain around for his own well-being. Because we only got a couple hours of sleep, Spock sent me straight to sickbay to assess my physical and mental state while he checked on the bridge crew.

I walked into Bones' office a bit apprehensively. He had seen us walk off together and he was sure to have realized we had been missing for the better part of a ship's day. I was certain he'd curse me out for irresponsibility or berate Spock for leading me on because he couldn't possibly feel anything for me.

I should have known better than to worry. Although he hid it well, the man knew both of us like the back of his own hand. So I shouldn't have been surprised when Bones took one look at me and said, "Why, that pointy-eared bastard. He didn't even invite me to the ceremony this time."

I didn't have to tell McCoy anything after all.

end part 3


	4. Chapter 4

So, for a time, Spock and I settled in together. We got that apartment. We told our friends about our relationship and let them share our joy. Spock's father made our bonding official both on Vulcan and in Starfleet records.

You should have seen the look on Admiral Nogura's face when he found out. I still wish I had been carrying a holocam when we reported to his office to show him the documents from Vulcan. I had never seen a man's jaw drop quite so literally until that day.

When we left the meeting, Spock's eyebrow was so high and so expressive that I had to lean against a wall. That look of his was making me laugh hard enough to shake the building.

That joyous moment was one of many. My life was good. I had my bondmate by my side, and we were as close as we had been aboard the Enterprise.

But around us, things were changing.

First, Starfleet took my ship from me. Once I was out of the captain's chair, the Enterprise became the Federation's showboat for awhile. Although I thought the new duty was an insult to my ship, I was content to let it be. I had a desk to fly and a relationship to nurture.

Spock, too, was taking on other responsibilities. He decided to raise Saavik, a half Vulcan-half Romulan girl who had been rejected by every house on Vulcan. She was almost an adult, even by Vulcan standards. But there was a sadness in her eyes that just made you want to help her. So Spock brought her to San Francisco and taught her Surak's ways. I taught her that just because she subscribed to logic, that didn't mean everyone else did. In other words, I confused the hell out of her.

Now, I know what you're thinking. 'You were a couple then. Wasn't there more sex?'

You forget, I was married to a Vulcan. No, his human half didn't seem to demand much when it came to carnal relations. But I didn't let it worry me. We didn't really need to be physical.

When I say 'we', I actually meant we, as in Spock and I together. Our minds meshed and loved each other in ways that our bodies could never accomplish. Physically, my bondmate didn't seem to need anything other than a hand kiss here and there, and my body spooned against him at night. But *I* still needed physical release. I found it elsewhere, usually in a one-night stand on days when Spock taught a late class at the Academy.

No, he didn't care, as long as it was only sex. I made sure to keep any encounter I had exactly that. My heart and mind belonged to him. In return for that assurance, he gave up exclusive rights to my body. It worked for us.

In an illogical twist of fate, we were ignorant of our own needs and relatively happy because of it. We would have continued like that until Spock's next pon farr if Chekov and his new captain hadn't stumbled on Khan.

Khan. The man who made me deal with my past and question my future.

It was bad enough that the bastard hurt Chekov. Not only by putting that bug in his ear. Pavel, our kid brother, had to be yanked from despair and guilt after everything was said and done. He felt responsible for what happened.

I wanted to reassure him. He had been Khan's pawn (a very unwilling one) in the game the egotistical man had been playing. Pavel was no more responsible than Carol had been. They had just been unlucky.

I will forever be grateful to Sulu for taking care of Chekov when I couldn't. I barely got a glimpse of Pavel's pain before Hikaru had him whisked off to a rec room to begin the healing process. Since I was in the depths of my own despair at the time, I could only nod my thanks when Sulu asked for time off for both of them.

But I'm getting ahead of myself...

It all started when I was contacted by a past girlfriend. My first thought when Carol called me in a panic was that she had somehow gotten caught in the Federation's bureaucratic wheels. I couldn't see how anyone could have had objections to the project she was working on. She was meticulous and completely by the book. Hell, it was her thoroughness that hid David from me for all those years.

You want my opinion of Carol and her big secret? Well, it's ironic that my intuitive and impulsive nature, the one that Carol hated, the one she thought would have corrupted our son, inspired the love of one of the most by-the-book beings in the galaxy.

There was always a part of me that thought Carol had her head buried in the sand.

But then again, in this situation, so did I. My fears and ignorance led to people getting killed. And, as if that weren't enough, they led me to fail my bondmate.

I, Kirk, James Tiberius, son of George, failed my bondmate, Spock cha'Sarek. And the universe almost made me cash in my future to pay penance.

The chain of events that lead to Spock's death...when they started, I couldn't imagine that anyone was going to break a fingernail, let alone get killed. We had a boatful of kids, for God's sake! I wouldn't have let them go if I had thought they were going to get hurt.

Like I said, I thought the bureaucratic wheels were just spinning on their usual backwards trajectory and were somehow dragging Carol along for the ride. I figured it was easy to fix. Just soothe a few ruffled feathers and everything would be fine. Right?

How wrong could a man be? Well, I found out...the hard way. The whole situation was a disaster. But the worst part of it was that I was the one at fault.

I made my first mistake by taking command.

Even though to him, my conversation with Carol sounded somewhat cryptic, Spock trusted his bondmate implicitly. So if I said I needed to get to Regula I, well then, he was going to make sure I had everything I needed to get there. To his mind, that meant I had to be in control, because the famous captain of the Enterprise should not have to be a passenger on his own ship.

Spock probably did it in self-defense. He knew I'd start yelling orders if he didn't give me command. He knew me too well.

But, in true Spock fashion, he handed over the ship in a way that left me in no doubt of his faith in me. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when his gift came with a barely-disguised declaration of love. Considering our location on the bridge, I settled for a small smile.

Ah, Spock. I never asked if he saw what was going us behind his back while we were arguing about who got to run things. While he was making his case, I happened to see a familiar movement out of the corner of my eye. Nyota was giving Hikaru a hand-signal behind their commander's back. It was an old betting pool signal. When I saw it, I hoped she put money on the chance of me showing Spock a good time later as a reward for his words. Even though it wasn't likely to happen, it was nice to dream.

That thought kept a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth until Khan caught me with my pants down. I failed my Lady, her crew, and all those kids because I thought I was ready for anything. But Khan hit us when we were vulnerable...

And gave Scotty nightmares for the rest of his life. I'm sorry, my friend. I hope Preston knew his sacrifice wasn't in vain.

It's obvious I have much to regret during that mission. Tempers raged unreasonably and people died because of it. I made decisions that under other circumstances, I would have rejected before the words came out of my mouth. But, through all the horror, I can't find it in me to regret the actions that led me to my son.

No, I didn't know he existed before the day I faced Khan. Like I said, Carol was thorough. I only knew about her research because Spock had found out about Genesis through one of his science conferences and wished to support her.

She never hinted that she had a second lead researcher, never mind the fact that the person was our son.

That leads me to my second mistake: letting my past control my present.

David's bitterness, there in the Genesis cave, mirrored my own. I could see he resented being stifled by the Federation brass. He worked hard, but it was as if nobody realized it. He wanted recognition for his work and enough leeway to carry it out. Like most people, he needed some proof that he was making a difference. Being confronted with a father who had all of these things didn't exactly thrill him.

As for me, I was beginning to think those rewards were meant for someone else. Old enemies were chasing me, old decisions were haunting me. Even my old eyes were betraying me and refusing to work correctly. It seemed like fate that now I was facing a son who wanted nothing to do with his too-old father.

I was finally on that ship. The one that had me facing a dead end, with no way out. Kobayashi Maru. The call-sign throughout the Fleet for going down in flames. This time, I had nobody to help me reprogram the game.

In the end, I beat the enemy and I still lost. I lost the most important piece of me. And that fact just about killed my soul. For a time, it was at my feet, shattered into a million shards. Because my mate lived by the axiom 'the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one.' Or the two.

I didn't know what Spock had done until we were free of Khan. The shield in the bond had gone up without my notice, probably because I had been too busy feeding my ego with my victory. But when I heard Bones on the comm in the Engine Room and suddenly felt my bondmate blocking me, I knew something was desperately wrong.

I looked within and fear ran through me. I could feel the bond pulsing with Spock's sorrow, even through the shield. That amount of sadness from my bondmate could only mean one thing...whatever he did was going to take him away from me.

I don't remember running down there, though Bones said I hadn't hit that speed since my Academy days. I was too busy looking inward, examining the part of the bond I had access to, and praying I was wrong.

I wasn't.

As I tried to deal with that fact, I made my third and final mistake: I didn't listen to my bondmate.

When I finally made it to the Engine Room, my soul cried out in horror at the sight before me, even though my mouth could barely make a sound.

Spock. Oh my God, Spock! By the time I got there, saving him was out of the question. The radiation had already ravaged his body and would only need a few more minutes to finish the job.

I couldn't pull a miracle out of my sleeve this time. So I tried to give him what I could while he lived. I tried to assure him that he wasn't alone. I let my eyes flood with emotions...and tears. As I tried to be strong for Spock, I looked inside my mind, wanting to use our connection to ease his exit from this universe. But I couldn't let myself talk through the bond. It already felt fragile. I was afraid I'd break it.

Spock, however, had no such reservations. Although we usually don't speak directly into each other's mind, this time his strong voice was carried to me through our connection. 'Keep McCoy by your side,' he said firmly.

It was an order. This wasn't the first time our roles had reversed in a desperate situation, but this particular command had a weight like no other.

But before I could respond, knowing his time had come to an end, Spock said his famous goodbye. Those words echo in my nightmares. What kind of friend was I? What kind of friend allowed death to happen without a fight?

Spock fought. He fought like hell to live even a few minutes longer in that radiation chamber. But, inevitably, he lost. As I watched, the life slipped out of my bondmate and he fell. As he fell, the bond broke. I gasped in pain. Then I leaned against the glass keeping me from my mate and screamed into a channel that no longer existed. That expression of anguish was so loud on the psychic plane (even though Bones swore I didn't said a thing on the physical one) that a couple hours later, Captain Sira of the Intrepid contacted us to offer assistance. The Vulcans aboard that ship had heard me.

But Spock no longer could. That fact weighed me down so heavily that I literally dragged my feet. With the last remaining echoes of my bondmate fading in my head, I stood up slowly and forced my steps to lead me to the rest of my life. Blinded by tears, I stumbled into the hallway.

That was the only time in our history that my crew walked on eggshells around me. I was no longer the strong hero. I was a piece of cracked glass. One wrong touch and I would shatter. My vision was dull, gray, and not even McCoy's glasses could correct it now. Because the only thing I could see was a life without Spock.

Not able to face my duties at that moment, I went up to the Observation Deck. To try to deal with the turmoil inside me, I locked the door and screamed my sorrow and frustration to the vacuum of space beyond the windows. I argued and yelled, and shook my fist at the fates. I even begged every deity I could think of. Then I cried. I collapsed on the floor in front of the windows and sobbed until the tears wouldn't flow anymore.

I'm thankful my crew knew me as well as they did. For if they hadn't, I would have never made it to Spock's funeral. My personal mourning blocked everything else out of my mind.

Christine Chapel came looking for me an hour later, using her medical override to unlock the door when I wouldn't...couldn't...respond to Nyota's repeated calls to me. The crew was desperate to find me. Bones and Scotty were seeking my help with Spock's final preparations.

Even though they needed advice badly, I was in no condition to help anyone at that point. So Christine gave me a short-acting sedative and sent me to bed. My dreams were troubled, filled with a sense that I had betrayed Spock.

The betrayal wasn't just a dream. I, Spock's bondmate, the one he trusted to figure out what he had done and what I needed to do, forgot the words he had spoken to me. I never thought about Bones as I cried, I never sought him out after the funeral to follow Spock's request or even to find out why Spock made the request.

In fact, I only remembered Spock's words when Sarek came storming through my door, demanding his son's katra.

In my grief, I failed my bondmate. I can only thank his father and our friends for not allowing my failure to be a permanent one.

For in the end, I got him back.

But our reunion was bittersweet. Because, in reuniting with Spock, I lost two things.

I lost my son, who only two months before had told me he was glad I was his father. And I lost the bond.

When Spock miraculously awoke from the joining of his body to his katra, I felt both relief and a sense of horror.

Because the bond did not re-form.

I was still alone inside my head.

end part 4


	5. Chapter 5

Everyone knows the lengths I will go to for my closest friend. When Sarek sent me to retrieve Spock's body, I stole a starship, sabotaged another, and ignored all authority trying to talk sense into me.

No, I didn't do anything that drastic for any other lover. But none of them were Spock, now were they?

Of course, I didn't expect to find my First Officer alive when I got to Genesis. We had left a casket with a decaying body on the planet. But when we returned, we found something completely different in its place.

Now, it wasn't until we got to Genesis that things became surreal. Well, other than Bones' reaction to the katra in his head. That spookiness started earlier, on the way *from* Genesis to Spacedock.

No matter what the cause, watching McCoy copy Spock was extremely disturbing.

So it was quite a relief to figure out why he was doing it. It was even more satisfying to have a way to reverse the katra's hold on him. I owed Bones a chance to get his sanity back.

Poor Bones. He felt like Spock had won the mock war that had been going on between them for two decades. Making our doctor into a rather logical being, even temporarily, would have been a touch of genius if Spock's goal had been to annoy McCoy.

But there was nobody to gloat at Bones' irritation this time. He told me that was what hurt most of all. He didn't realize how much he had liked their 'animosity' until it wasn't there anymore.

Despite the pain we all suffered over our lost comrade, the mission to retrieve him was good for us. We needed to be motivated, to have a purpose. To strive for the good...of the one. I've made decisions that put my friends first plenty of times. My crew expected me to do it, and had even counted on it in the past. But this was the first time all of us, the whole bridge crew, were united in the quest.

It felt right. It was just what I needed to keep from dwelling on my grief. From their reactions, I'd say the others felt the same.

By the time we went to warp, we were laughing and joking. Sulu started it by picking on the crews in Spacedock. He posed some really good questions after telling us how he had made his way onto the ship. How was the next generation going to cope with what was out there if we could steal the Enterprise without a struggle? Were we really clever enough to trick the best young minds in the Fleet?

If we were, that didn't bode well for our replacements. Because we wouldn't be there to teach them the tricks of the trade. We all knew we would probably be court-martialled the minute we hit Earth's atmosphere.

But that didn't stop us from joking away our worry. Pavel claimed he was going to start a course on 'How to rein in arrogant captains' wherever we ended up. Someone needed to know, he said. I just laughed. I never claimed to be a saint, and they never saw me as one.

Overall, the ride to Genesis was comfortable and healing for all of us. But when we got to the planet...well, the 'surreal' experience I mentioned earlier didn't quite cover it.

The minute we arrived, we found a deluded Klingon firing at us for no apparent reason, a Federation ship destroyed...and down on the planet, waiting for us, a child growing at warp speed. Fortunately, he was being tended to by my son and the child's adopted daughter...who was practically my daughter-in-law.

Life has a strange way of running in circles, doesn't it?

Just like the relationship between Spock and myself. We had been forever chasing after each other, trying to insure the other's safety. Until Spock's death, we had been lucky. So damned lucky.

What I didn't know when I arrived at the planet was that some of that luck was returning. Through the accident my son caused by making Genesis unstable, I would get a chance to beat the Kobayashi Maru again.

But even before I knew the final result, the win wasn't a clean one. Not this time.

That Klingon bastard killed my son. My son! All for a weapon that didn't even exist. In his ignorance, the idiot made a mockery of David's creation. I wonder if my boy would consider that a fate worse than death, to be remembered for something that threatened to tear galactic peace apart.

I know the idea had me fuming...

I had only been a father for two months, but I had come to love fatherhood in a way I didn't expect. David was a gentle man who liked to keep his loved ones close. So a couple times a week, I had comm messages from him. Nothing important, usually. Just day to day triumphs and hassles.

I returned the messages in kind. At first, I did it because I needed someone to talk to. Spock was gone. Bones seemed to be cracking under the strain of Spock's death. For the first time since V'ger, I had nobody. Luckily, my son seemed willing to listen to me ramble on about nothing in particular.

Out of that, a relationship started to grow.

I never did figure out why he insisted on calling me 'sir.' Was it out of respect? Was it so he could keep some distance from me? Or was it in deference to his romance with Saavik? Was he trying to make our relationship easier on her? Because of a deluded Klingon, I'll never know.

That bastard killed my son!

To make matters worse, this time I didn't get the chance to mourn in private. Everyone saw my face, my unshed tears.

But it was because my crew was there that I didn't completely break down. I could see the loyalty on their faces. Each and every one of them was willing to step in for me if I couldn't handle the battle. Nobody would have thought less of me if I had backed away at that crucial moment. Except me. I would have berated myself severely if I had left them without a leader at that point.

Paradoxically, their willingness to let me be human was the thing that kept me going. It helped me see that there was no reasoning with the being I was hearing on the other end of the comm. It helped me do the last thing I wanted to do, but the only thing I could use as a way out: kill my Lady. Blow up my ship. Risk it all.

Luckily, my gamble paid off and I got everyone to the planet safely. Of course, it helped that we were a crew of six and not 430.

After we beamed down to Genesis, I had to pause. Even though I knew it would hurt, I couldn't help but look to the sky to see my Lady go down.

I don't know if Bones was right about my decision. Did I always do what needed to be done? Did I always give death a chance to redeem itself? Only history would be able to tell.

All I knew at that point was that I missed my bondmate and I missed my son. But I had no time to mourn, because my people needed their leader. So I choked back my tears and I followed Sulu to the miracle awaiting us.

As we broke throught the trees and saw the the two beings before us, all I could think of was how grateful I was to see Spock in good hands. Thank goodness for Saavik. I hope she knew that it was because of her that he came back to us all. If Saavik and David hadn't found him, my friend would have died a second time before I even put the ship into orbit around Genesis.

Of course, my next thought was to turn that young face to mine. I wanted to look upon that precious visage. I wanted to see what was in those eyes that were maturing much too quickly.

But I needed to see my son first. In that moment, fatherhood was more important than the friendship that had sustained me for twenty years. Because this time, I had not only failed Spock. I had also failed my son.

Unfortunately, with all that needed to be done, I couldn't spare more than a few minutes for David. But I made sure I gave him that.

My heart sighed in grief as I straightened the jacket covering his body. My mind pondered the loneliness of a childless future as I brushed some dirt from the hair peeking out above the jacket collar. But I couldn't stay by his side and mourn like I wanted to. So I forced myself to shut that mental box for the time being.

I didn't have the luxury to do my son's memory the justice it deserved. It would have to wait.

Because Spock needed me.

That need was all it took for my priorities to upend themselves. It was all it ever took.

I had no time to waste. As I watched Spock age before my eyes, I knew I had to get him off that planet and I had to do it as soon as possible.

But then that bastard showed up. I found out his name afterward. Kruge. A rather ordinary-sounding name, for a Klingon. At the moment I stood facing him, however, I hoped he wasn't ordinary. I hoped the rest of his homeworld wasn't as damned idiotic as he was.

I am glad to say I found out later that there are at least some sensible Klingons in the universe.

But Kruge was anything but sensible. Because if he had been paying attention, I wouldn't have been able to take him down by forcing him into a corner that wasn't there.

He didn't have to die. But I wasn't going to let him kill me to save himself. It came down to me or him, and I definitely needed to be elsewhere at that moment.

Was I victorious because love is more powerful than greed? Maybe, maybe not. I was probably just more stubborn. It was a skill at which I had lots of practice.

Once Kruge was dead, we took the Bird of Prey right out from under its remaining crew. I got Spock and everyone else off that planet before it exploded. But I left my son there. Part of me wanted to talk to Carol and ask what spot would be most appropriate for our son's final resting place. But with no time and little energy, I decided that letting him be buried by his own creation was the best I could do for him.

Because I had to prepare for the return of Spock. The Vulcan High Council suggested we bring him home to try a procedure that might, just might, make him whole again.

I considered it worth trying, even though success wasn't guaranteed. Because as we sped towards Vulcan, the being I had known as my bondmate was in pieces. One piece was laying on a slab in what passed for a Klingon sickbay. The other piece was in the body hovering over the first, trying to keep it alive until we got to Vulcan.

Bones had suffered from Spock's death as much as I had, in his own way. But later he told me that the trip to Vulcan held its own kind of pain. He nearly had to admit he was scared for one of his best friends. The best friend, who, to all eyes outside of the Enterprise, looked like his bitterest enemy.

None of us were ever fooled. But luckily for my two friends, the rest of the universe didn't have to learn their dirty little secret.

Sarek had a whole assembly waiting when we arrived. From what I gathered, an attempt at refusion hadn't happened in thousands of years, so I was only mildly surprised to see curious Vulcans everywhere I looked.

That was the day Spock's legend surpassed mine. If I was as egotistical as people seemed to think I was, I would have had a fit when I realized what had happened.

Honestly, I didn't care. I just wanted him back.

The six of us huddled together around Spock as we made our way to the temple with the stretcher that held his oddly still body. By shielding him from their gazes, we let the Vulcan people know he was ours, not theirs.

You disowned him, you Science Academy, you society based on logic, our thoughts said. We took him in, we gave him a home. And everyone was the better for it. We will let you work your magic, but we are watching. If you screw him up this time, you will pay.

I'm serious. I asked each of them afterwards, and that's basically a summary of what they said. The Kohlinar had taught all of us to fear Vulcan mysticism.

I feared it more than the rest of crew. Only one other human had bonded with a Vulcan. That fact sent a million questions running around my brain. If and when the healers found the broken bond in Spock, would they let it be? Would they help it re-form? Or would they say I wasn't good enough?

I was scared to death of the answers. But I forced myself to take a deep breath and concentrate on making sure Spock lived. The rest would take care of itself.

Chatter brought me out of my musings. The procedure was about to begin. Trying to be optimistic, I clapped Bones on the shoulder before he made his way up to the altar. Then I watched nervously as T'Lar started the mind transfer.

But I didn't watch for long. There was something else that I had to see to.

I turned my attention inward and prodded the spot in my mind where Spock had been, hoping against hope that he would just slide back into place.

But there was nothing. Nothing as T'Lar stood over Spock and Bones for hours. Nothing as we rested on that hard floor and waited for an answer. Nothing as Bones walked back to us in the morning, obviously weary.

Nothing as Spock walked to us a few minutes later, finally a whole being. Only a glimmer of hope.

"Your name is Jim."

Yes, yes! He remembered us! The bond was still broken, but he was there, in front of me, saying my name. I almost lost it right then and there.

But I held on. I could see that he needed to be guided back into his place with us. Of course, I wanted to be one of the guides.

We all did. He turned to the others and let them touch him, something they all thought they would never do again. I hung back, letting them have their time. Letting them speak to their brother.

As I watched them, I wondered if I would ever see my lover again.

end part 5


	6. Chapter 6

We ended up spending three full Terran months on Vulcan. In that time, we learned more than we wanted to know about Vulcan efficiency. We were woken up at precise times, fed at precise times. The ship's repair was on a precise schedule.

I was surprised they didn't tell us precisely when to use the facilities.

But despite their odd habits, the Vulcans around us were nice people. They made sure we were comfortable, or as comfortable as humans could be in that desert climate. They helped repair our stolen ship, even though they argued with Scotty at every turn.

They also kept us updated on Spock's progress, even though they never told us what we wanted to hear.

Nyota wanted to know if Spock remembered her singing. Pavel asked about Spock's opinion of Moscow and whether he had changed his mind about its lack of aesthetics. Hikaru wanted to reminisce with Spock about their fencing practices. Scotty was eager to finish his discussion with Spock about the new warp nacelles Starfleet was using.

Bones wanted to remind Spock that he hated him. We all laughed at that one, then had to explain it to the Vulcan healers surrounding us.

Me? I kept my mouth shut. None of the healers had said anything about the bond, and I was still afraid to bring it up. Not to mention, I was scared of what would happen when Spock realized something had been between us but was now gone.

Because we did see Spock. I know the rumors made a big deal about how the Vulcan Council of Elders supposedly kept him away until he decided to join us on our trip back to Earth. But that was only a rumor. We saw him every day.

In fact, as part of his treatment, we were asked to meet with him for an hour or so each ten hour period. We were supposed to stir his memory by reminding him of things we had done together.

(Bones tried to explain to me the rationale behind the timing. It had something to do with the way the Vulcan brain cycles neurochemicals. I really didn't pay attention. I was too busy watching Spock.)

True to Vulcan philosophy, the healers wanted us to be factual in our recollections, with as few emotions as possible. Apparently, the healers needed to be educated about Terrans. That's about as polite as I could be when I talked to Amanda about it. What I really wanted to say was that they were completely crazy if they thought we could recount our lives with Spock unemotionally.

But we all wanted to help. So we each took turns talking to him about the last twenty years of our lives. The good times and the bad. Joys and heartaches. Loves and losses.

I watched as, each in their own way, my friends told Spock how much they loved him.

But I couldn't. My fears paralyzed me. I couldn't think of any events that didn't involve our bond. So I often ended up talking about how Spock had reacted to various crew members.

My conversations were so lifeless that Bones gave me piercing looks every time Spock came by. Sarek was also worried. Every time he saw me, he gave me an expression that resembled a schoolmaster about to tell his student how badly he failed his test.

But I couldn't help myself. The memories I wanted to talk about wouldn't come to me and the ones I thought of weren't appropriate for the circumstances. So I let myself lapse into silence. I didn't know what else to do.

Spock didn't seem to notice. Since he was still integrating his katra into his brain, he probably was too busy to realize an illogical human was being more illogical than usual.

Only Nyota seemed to sense my difficulties. When it became apparent that I was having trouble fulfilling my duty, she would sit with us during my turn at memory-prodding. She would put us both at ease and help me recount important events in our lives, not just trivial facts.

Even Spock noticed the difference when she was around. He seemed more comfortable, more able to remember things.

Then my communications officer went one step further. She found us a 3D chess set. That game, which had been the background for many discussions between me and my first officer, now became the catalyst for a flood of memories being integrated into Spock's brain. The change was so sudden that, after our first chess game, Amanda rushed over to me and demanded to know what had happened.

But a person is more than memories, and it was apparent that my friend had a long way to go before he was whole. Even after all our sessions, when we were finally ready, or forced, to continue on to Earth, Spock was perhaps half the person he once had been. He knew his duties on a starship. He knew his history. He was comfortable around us. But the familiarity, that odd formal familiarity of Spock's, had not returned.

He knew us, but in all the ways that counted, we were still strangers to him.

But we couldn't continue to help the healers ease him back into his life. We had run out of time. Starfleet was insisting that we come home to meet our fates.

To make matters worse (or so I thought at the time), though we tried to persuade Spock to stay with the healers a little longer, his stubbornness decided to come back in full force. He insisted his testimony was vital to insure we received fair treatment from the tribunal.

Now, by space standards, it's only a hop, skip and jump from Vulcan to Earth. You can go between them in less than a day at Warp 2 or higher. So we knew we didn't have much freedom left. That drove us to worry about the big questions. Were our careers over? Would we have to do time in prison?

Would we be separated from Spock?

That question preoccupied all of us. Of course, we weren't worried that he couldn't survive without us. He always did what he needed to. Hell, that was why we were facing these problems instead of being dead.

But we knew he wasn't one hundred percent. And that made us responsible for him.

We were his family. It was our job to look after him until he could handle himself properly. What was my way of looking after him? I put him back at his science station for the trip home.

Bones wasn't too thrilled about that. Of course, his objections made sense. Yes, I could see Spock appeared rather formal, rather aloof. I could tell we still confused him quite a bit. But what else was I going to do with him? I figured this would be an easy trip. In my mind, the assignment would give him the chance to refamiliarize himself with his duties without the stress of formal orders.

The universe had other plans.

As grave as the situation was, it started off on a good note, at least within our little group. Right before we dropped out of warp, we all watched as Bones and Spock sparred for the first time since the refusion.

I swear I saw that smug glint in Spock's eyes as he got the upper hand and Bones turned away from their philosophical discussion in frustration. I wasn't the only one. Nyota and Pavel had small smiles on their faces as Bones found a corner to sulk in.

But only seconds later we were inundated with Starfleet's distress calls. So, working on automatic, I asked my first officer for his opinion. To his credit, and to the credit of the Vulcan healers, he gave me the information I needed.

Then I realized we had to do the impossible to save Earth. Again.

So I had to lean on Spock even harder. He was the only person on the ship who could make the calculations for time travel. Everyone knew that. But, given the circumstances, we were all worried he couldn't handle the pressure. Bones, as usual, was the most vocal about it. But as much as McCoy complained, he never tried to stop us. In his heart, he knew we didn't have a choice.

So we made preparations to go to a San Francisco that was more foreign to us than Vulcan. We debated about the logistics of transporting whales. We hoped like hell the Klingon rustbucket could hold up to the stress of time travel.

And I decided to trust Spock's computations to get us there.

I had no doubts that the healers were able to restore Spock's analytical abilities. Vulcans were known for their intense schooling. They left something to be desired with the emotional abilities, however. But as I watched my old friend program the computer, I saw in his actions an urgency that spoke of a connection with the people he was trying to save.

So, despite McCoy's grumblings, I let Spock work his magic. And, of course, we made it. We landed the ship in Golden Gate Park in the summer of 1986.

I made sure to put us down in the middle of the overgrown part of the park. I didn't want to land near the water and have people colliding with the ship every five minutes. Even without knowing much about the 20th century, I knew tourists have always loved watching the bridge come out of the fog from any viewpoint they could find.

More importantly, we couldn't have people watching us prepare to transport whales. So we had a bit of a trek to the park exit. I hung back behind the others on our way out. As I watched them, I tried to gauge how ready they were to handle this mission. I was pleased with what I found. Even though they had enough problems for three planets, all of them radiated exuberance and confidence. They were doing fine.

Well, all except one. Just before we headed out the exit and onto the street, Spock turned back to me with a raised eyebrow, as if sensing my contentment and wanting to know its cause.

Rather than risk opening a long philosophical discussion by explaining, I just shrugged at him. "It's good to be alive, don't you agree?"

Spock nodded gravely in return. "Of course, Admiral."

Although he was formal and perfectly poised, I swore his eyes lingered just a little too long on my face. What he saw there must have satisfied him, because he nodded again and turned to make his way through the park exit.

So on we went with our mission to save our world. Because of the need to retrieve multiple items rather quickly, we split up. I, of course, ended up with Spock.

Going off alone with him was both good and bad. I was glad to see he trusted me enough to follow without question as I found the way to the aquarium. I was even more pleased to see that he trusted himself enough to follow his own instincts.

I just wish he had told me what he was planning to do before he jumped into the tank with the whales.

I was so shocked by his move that I had trouble figuring out what to do to prevent our young tourguide from getting in our way. First, I tried to separate myself from him, but it was too late. She had seen us together. Then I tried wining and dining her. I was making progress until Scotty commed me and ruined my story. In the end, I believe she thought we were just too kooky to be lying.

Or she was as desperate to save her whales as I was to save my planet. I know it wasn't my performance that convinced her. I did try to sway her with my charm, but my heart wasn't in it. I was too worried about Spock's emotional state, or lack thereof, to make a move on anybody else.

My worry was what finally broke the impasse that had developed between me and my friend. Spock's emotionlessness slapped me in the face when I came back to the ship. He began talking about our mission as if we were charting a star system instead of saving the planet that helped create both of us.

That made me see red. Goddamn Vulcan healers! Why couldn't they have paid some attention to his emotions when they reprogrammed his brain? His coldness bothered me so much that I blew up, wanting to rile him into a response. Any response.

I ended up getting more than I expected. At first his expression didn't change. So I turned and walked away, afraid that my temper would get away from me. But as I hurried down the neck of the ship, I felt a 'snap' in my head. That familiar feeling made me freeze in front of my cabin. It couldn't be...could it?

After a short internal debate, I stepped into my quarters and threw myself on my bunk. I was afraid to look within. I didn't think I could handle the disappointment of being wrong about this.

But fear never held me back for long. So, pushing aside my worries, I looked within. When I searched the spot that used to house our connection, I nearly fell to the floor in shock. The bond *was* there. But when I prodded it, nothing happened. Spock didn't reach out to me. It didn't hum, as it had before. Looking into it was like looking into a starless section of space.

Damnit, what was he up to? Why did he reconnect the bond if he wasn't going to use it? I wanted to shake it up and get him to talk to me. But before I could do more than give it a cursory examination, Bones was pounding on my door, yelling that Chekov was missing.

So I went back to the bridge to see what was going on.

The situation was grave.

It took us more than 24 hours to find Pavel. By that time, Gillian had come running, looking for help. The aquarium staff had taken the whales out from under her and put them in dangerous waters. To make matters worse, we found out Pavel had been seriously hurt.

So I let Bones drag Gillian and me around a hospital to retrieve our navigator. I'm glad I did. What the doctors in that hospital were going to do to him sounded frighteningly primitive.

Once we were all safely back on the Bounty, I let Gillian know I wasn't too happy about her choice to come to the future with us. She belonged in her own time, not in ours. Besides, I didn't want Spock to see her as a threat. I still wasn't getting any response to my pokes at the bond, so I had no idea what he was thinking.

But I gave in gracefully. She was right. We did need her and her whale expertise.

My mood improved significantly when I saw Bones make fun of Spock right before we retrieved George and Gracie. And when Spock took Bones' advice about how to get the missing information for his time travel calculations, I was thrilled.

Oh, I do realize his 'guess' was based on as much data as he could gather. But he made the final leap to come up with a number. He adapted. I felt energized by the possibilities I was seeing in his eyes.

After that, I knew we couldn't fail. The universe wouldn't be that cruel.

But our troubles weren't over yet. We flew back our into own time and hit Earth's atmosphere as fast as our planet would allow. Sulu had quickly realized that we had come back to the instant before the probe could completely flood the land masses.

So we flopped down in the bay and nearly hit the Golden Gate Bridge in the process. Then, the cargobay doors on the Klingon rustbucket wouldn't open. The whales were trapped, along with our engineer and our whale expert. But because of all that had happened earlier, I wasn't willing to risk Spock's life to get them free.

So, of course, I risked my own. As I swam through that chilly water, I wondered what Spock was thinking. Did he worry about my safety? Did he wonder if I was strong enough to get out of this alive? Would he mourn me if I didn't make it?

That's when I felt it. A huff of annoyance coming from the other side of the bond. Just enough of a response to reassure me, to tell me that I was being illogical, even for a human. When I realized what it meant, I almost forgot I was swimming underwater and let out a chuckle. But I was able to stop myself in time so that I could release the whales.

I swam to the surface as soon as I saw George and Gracie leave the ship. Without thinking about it, I stopped right in front of where Spock stood on the wing.

Then it was time for the whales to do their job. After a moment of panic, we all heard our aquatic duo break into song, and just like that, the rain stopped and the waters started to calm.

My crew started an impromptu celebration right then and there. Everyone was thrown or pulled off that wing into the water, with much laughter ensuing. Everyone, that is, except Spock.

Well, I couldn't let him miss out on that human custom. So I grabbed his sleeve and pulled him into the bay. Of course, I couldn't stop myself from grinning at him a minute later as his head came out of the water.

Spock didn't say anything. He just raised an eyebrow and held out two fingers towards me. Yes, those two fingers.

I gasped in shock. After the emptiness he had left in the bond earlier, I didn't expect affection. But when he made no move to retract his nonverbal request, I completed the Vulcan kiss.

As our fingers touched, I heard the cheers of our crewmates behind me. "Was I being that obvious? I tried not to worry, but it was impossible." I whispered as we moved a little away from the others. "I wanted to be reasonable. You just came back from the dead, after all."

Spock laid a hand on my shoulder. "You do not have to be 'obvious' with them, Jim. They know you well. They knew something was missing. Because of their concern for you, I was able to find what you were seeking."

This time I raised an eyebrow.

"Concern such as theirs is most often a product of love. A love for a brother or a comrade. Familial love. This emotion I understood from watching my mother during my recovery. But I remembered very little of the affection that you and I had for each other.

"Earlier, you confronted me about my feelings concerning our task. Your outburst confused me. I could not figure out why you were angry. So I took the time to search my memories, as I suspected the answer was contained within them. After a moment of reflection, I remembered how much you loved your home. So I focused on how I felt about your reaction. There I found anger, frustration, and curiously, affection. Intrigued, I examined that affection, and as Dr. McCoy might say, the dam burst. My love for you overwhelmed me and I suddenly remembered all that we had been to each other.

"For your safety, before my death, I had locked the memories of our bond away in an inaccessible part of my katra. Only by regaining emotional connections to you was I able to access them. Once I realized it was missing, it was only logical to re-form the bond."

I listened to his explanation with a growing understanding. But then I realized Spock was getting a bit too pale. Knowing he must be freezing in the water, I coaxed him back up onto the wing to sit with me. As we dried in the sun and waited for the Fleet shuttle to arrive, I thought about what he told me.

One thing nagged at me. "Then why didn't you say anything to me about it? Why did you let the bond lie dormant?"

He, of course, had a good reason for that, too. "Because I attempting to assess if I had made the right choice. Logic does not always aid me when making decisions concerning humans."

I grinned at his exasperated expression. "And you just came to a conclusion now?"

That expression softened to something more affectionate. "I concluded that I made the correct choice when you were releasing George and Gracie. You were worried that I did not love you enough to mourn your death. I knew then that my love was important to you."

I shook my head in my own frustration. How could he not realize what he meant to me? "You, and everything in you, are important to me, Spock."

"I know that now, Admiral," Spock said, his face overly serious.

I just rolled my eyes at his bad attempt at a joke.

Then I gave my bondmate another hand kiss.

end part 6


	7. Chapter 6 end

Once we were rescued, we ended up dealing with meetings and Starfleet bureaucracy for a few hours. Then, as we returned to our Earth-bound home, I was given a gift that meant more to me than that second ship ever did.

My bondmate returned to me. Completely.

I sighed happily as I entered the living room and told the computer to turn up the heat. The last time I was in here, I had been alone and almost too upset to switch the temperature to human norm. But now I had to stifle a shout of joy because I had a reason to make our place into a sauna once again.

Life was good. Spock was back.

With a smile on my face, I turned to ask him if he was hungry. But the words never came out. Instead, I found myself gaping in confusion.

Because my bondmate was standing with his head bowed and his hands stretched out to me, palms up. He was pleading, as he did after trying to destroy the bond during his Kohlinar rights.

But he hadn't harmed me this time. So I reached out to him, looking for an explanation. "Spock, what is it?" I asked urgently, worried that I had done something wrong.

Spock raised his head slightly. "When we chose to live as bondmates, we negotiated a compromise. Because your needs were different than my own, we agreed that your body was not in my purview except during pon farr."

I nodded, wondering where this was leading.

He hesitated a little as he admitted, "I now find myself needing the physical intimacy that I had given up. I request that my t'hy'la allow a joining this night. For although I do not burn, I need."

I nearly stumbled as I realized what his words meant. He was pleading for sex! Damn it, what did I do to drive him to that?

My face flushed with shame as I thought about what he had just said. He had misunderstood me when we made that pact. I never told him that I didn't want to make love to him. I just didn't want to be restricted to only him.

My desires caused Spock to humble himself before me. God, I should have been kicked for that.

But before I could properly berate myself, I had to get that submissive look off his face. I sat down on the couch in an attempt to counteract the Vulcan formality he was exhibiting. Then I explained, "You didn't have to beg. You could have just asked."

"I do not have the right..."

At those words, my shame turned to self-loathing. I imagined myself leaning over a table, being violently thrashed with a whip.

No, that was too good for me. I deserved something worse for stripping the dignity from the other half of my soul.

But I knew he wouldn't understand my anger at this point. So I tried to calm down. Luckily, a few deep breaths seemed to do the trick. My voice was almost steady when I told him that, "The only right you gave up was exclusivity. You never gave up your right to make love with me."

Spock nodded after a thorough examination of my face and our open bond, finally understanding. Taking my hands, he sent a calming wave to me. "Then I request my bondmate stop punishing himself for his small error and join me in our bedroom."

I smiled ruefully. He understood me better than I had thought. But before I could send myself into another bout of self-castigation for underestimating him, Spock pulled gently on my hands, urging me off the couch.

He needed me. That took precedence over any punishment I thought I deserved. So I nodded in acknowledgement of his easy acceptance of my flaws and let him lead me to our bed.

What followed was an experience I'll never forget.

Spock used the bond as his guide to relearning who I was. As he soothed and heated me with his caresses, he listened to the bond to find which ones affected me most and proceeded to give me pleasures the likes of which I had never felt before. Each touch, each sensation spoke of his love for me. Each moan he wrenched from me replied to him in kind.

Yes, I did try to return the favor. I did try to touch him. But he gently pushed my hands away every time I reached out to stroke him. So I let him do as he pleased. I was rewarded richly for allowing him to get his way.

An hour later, when I was physically sated but still asking for more, he reached through the bond and touched my mind. Oh my God, everything in me shuddered with pleasure at that contact. As my head cleared from that mental orgasm, I found Spock in awe of my response. So I touched his mind, and let him feel the overwhelming sensation. I laughed in delight as the feeling caused him to tremble in my arms.

When he recovered, Spock quirked an eyebrow. "My loss of control is amusing to you?"

I grinned and shook my head. "Your emotional response is enlightening."

Then I felt my lover's playful side re-emerge in full force. It was the part of him that challenged me to beat his logical solutions in chess, that sparred with Bones, that insulted humanity right to our faces and waited to see how we would react.

He pinned me to our bed. "Then I will have to enlighten you further."

I laughed. "I await your wisdom." Then I wrapped my arms around him.

Oh, believe me, that night he taught me things about my body and mind that I didn't know. And I wanted to experience every one of them at least a dozen times. We barely made it to the tribunal on time because of his 'enlightening'.

Thanks to Spock, I was in a good mood when we started out towards Starfleet Headquarters. But when we got to the building, the weight of the unknown knocked the joy right out of me.

I had too many questions about the future to stay happy. Where were we going to end up? Would I be separated from my friends? Or my bondmate?

The fact that he was the only one of us not accused of a crime both comforted and pained me. I was comforted because he didn't have to suffer with us. He had already suffered enough in these past few months. But I was pained because he had to leave my side.

For some unfathomable reason, I was expecting Spock to passively accept our fate. I should have known better.

As the tribunal began, I realized he went into the audience only so he could make a point. He joined the crew as soon as we were accused, saying by his actions that no matter what happened, he belonged with us.

I nodded to him gratefully as he fell into his accustomed spot beside me. Spock responded by sending a comforting wave through the bond. He could feel my agitation, but didn't share it. He believed in the ultimate fairness of Starfleet Command. He was certain it would work out.

I wasn't so trusting. I had seen the failures in the hierarchy of command too many times.

So when his prediction came true, when I was demoted to exactly where I wanted to be, I staggered back a step in shock. I was a captain again. I looked at my crew, who were all grinning giddily. Wow. Thanks. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Of course I was thanking Spock, not Admiral Cartwright.

Spock's presence in the bond beamed with contentment as we went to get a look at our new ship. Our new home.

'Somebody told you it would be the Enterprise,' I accused silently as we approached the new flagship of the Fleet.

'I did not need to be told. I merely found out that this ship had been finished while we were gone. Who would command it was never in doubt. This is where we belong,' Spock replied, looking positively smug.

I didn't know if I wanted to hug him for his faith in me or hit him for hiding all of this. After a moment, I decided to simply let two fingers of my right hand discreetly touch his left palm.

We were home. Finally.

end part 6.5


	8. Chapter 7

After all the confusion I caused Spock, I demanded that we modify our pact.

He wouldn't let me eliminate it. He insisted that we shouldn't jeopardize my health and happiness by restraining my sex drive. So yes, there were still one-night stands. But they were different now. I made sure to tell him who I was with and allowed him to object to my choice of the night. Which he sometimes did, usually to protect me from the awkwardness of seeing the person in another situation.

The biggest change, though, was that I went on those outings much less. Because even though Spock didn't need me physically, he granted me a compromise. He touched me. At night, when we were in bed together, he'd let his hands run over me in seemingly random patterns until we fell asleep.

I didn't care if the touch wasn't sexual, and most often it was anything but. I needed to be reminded of his feelings for me. Those caresses kept me connected to him in ways the bond couldn't even accomplish.

After awhile, it became part of our routine. A routine I needed and started to take for granted. In fact, I didn't realize how much I was relying on until it almost slipped away.

And that was only a symptom of a bigger problem.

I should have realized it right from the start. It should have dawned on me that I was unrealistic when I expected my friends to be wherever I was. But I was only paying their needs a cursory glance when I dragged my two favorite people on vacation with me.

After about two weeks of being shuffled around Spacedock, filling out forms to take control of the new Enterprise, making sure Spock was reinstated correctly, and organizing the ship's system check, I decided enough was enough and gave everyone shore leave. I let Scotty and Uhura slip out from under my order to make themselves scarce after they volunteered to stay aboard to monitor the preparations. But I could tell Spock needed some rest, so I dragged him along despite his protests.

We split into two groups on the Spacedock shuttle to Earth. Sulu wanted to show Chekov how the woods around Mount Rushmore were better than the Russian forests. I gathered my two best friends and decided to scale a mountain in Yosemite.

While I contemplated rock and sky, Spock decided to explore the park using his rocket boots. Bones stayed at camp with his binocs. Worrying over us, no doubt. Our good doctor was never happy unless he had something to complain about.

I gave him plenty on that trip.

The worst happened when Spock was talking to me while I was climbing El Capitan. I think he quickly became bored with all the flora and fauna. He had cataloged most of the Earth specimens in his head ages ago. So, of course, he came to bother me...

And made me fall down the mountain.

Oh yeah, that tumble was frightening. Falling from that height and facing only hard ground below sent me into an instinctive panic. But I knew I wasn't alone. Spock was right there, in my mind. He wouldn't let me die. Of course, he had to wait until the last second, but he did grab me in time to keep me from hitting the dirt.

I never thought about what would have happened if he wasn't there. Maybe I should have.

When Bones ran over to us, I swore I was going to have to call a second MD to rescue *him* from a coronary attack. To cover my embarrassment, I laughed the incident off and ignored his fuming gaze.

I figured he'd calm down after I was safely on the ground. But I never considered what I was doing to him.

I just assumed that this was our life. We took risks every time we went into space. So it wasn't that odd to me that I took the same risks on vacation.

I had to keep them both on their toes, didn't I?

Later, after McCoy got over his fit, we sat down to eat his beans and Spock's marsh melons. I still chuckle when I think about that. When Spock found out I had let McCoy and Scotty tamper with the computer so it described 'marsh melons' instead of 'marshmallows', well, let's just say our chess games were on hold for a week.

But even with Spock lapsing back into formality here and there (a result of the reintegration process), we were having a good time.

Then Starfleet called.

They sent us chasing after a couple of diplomats on a world that was chosen to house galactic peace, otherwise known as the dustbowl that nobody wanted. Even the people who resided there were considered washed-up sorts. But Starfleet knew they'd have a war on their hands if the Klingon or Romulan diplomat was hurt during the rebellion. So it was our mission to make sure that didn't happen.

More importantly to us, it was the mission in which I finally realized how connected I was in the universe, especially in my own personal universe. I was reminded that I needed to appreciate those connections and not take them for granted, as I often did.

It started with Spock neglecting to tell me he had a brother. Okay, a half-brother.

Now, I'm his bondmate. I should know everything about this being I've claimed as mine, right?

I thought I did. So when the revelation came out of Spock's mouth, right after we had been kidnapped by that very same brother, I felt betrayed.

We went to Nimbus III to chase after a rogue Vulcan and stop him from from causing a galactic war. When he captured the ship and threw us in the brig, Spock went along willingly. He didn't fight, he didn't argue with the man and point out his lack of logic.

I should have known there was something amiss. But I was too angry at the fact that my ship had been hijacked to realize that my bondmate was acting strangely.

It all came to a head after Spock refused an order and I made him explain himself. He had hidden the fact that the Vulcan controlling my ship was family!

Yes, my anger might also have had something to do with the fact that he wouldn't shoot the hijacker so I could take back control of my ship. But that's beside the point.

I was hurt by his silence. Why did he hold back from me? Was he afraid to let me in? Was he ashamed of me?

I didn't know, but I was too upset to probe him for an answer.

My bondmate felt my pain. As I calmed down from my tantrum, I felt a gentle apologetic wave in the bond. He hadn't meant for us to end up like this. After a few minutes, I sighed and send a comforting wave back. Even though I didn't like Spock's decision, he had made the best one he could.

Bones was right. You can't just shoot your family.

But that still left Spock's half-brother in control of my ship. Which was now headed for the center of the galaxy in an attempt to find Eden.

I could have told Sybok that there were easier ways to find it. I already had. I just didn't realize I never told my own personal Eden that he was exactly that.

How illogical of me, and damned stupid. But I was even worse when it came to the rest of my crew. Especially my human best friend.

It was bad enough that I fell off a mountain in front of McCoy's eyes. But then, after Scotty broke us out of the brig, I watched Bones conquer one of his longstanding fears without even a congratulations.

I had known Len was afraid of heights since our Academy days. But I didn't consider his fear when I requested he climb the turbolift shaft with me so we could get to the Observation Deck and contact Starfleet. And at that point, it didn't seem to bother him. He started the climb without much complaint.

But when Spock decided to use his rocket boots to get us to the deck faster, Bones' mood changed. He got this terrified look in his eyes as Spock and I floated next to him, waiting for him to climb onto our little express. But like the officer he was, he gritted his teeth and grabbed onto the Vulcan.

I just smiled when I should have thanked him. I was egotistical when I should have been humble. And to add to Bones' pain, I barely reacted when Spock overshot the deck doors by a couple of floors and nearly sent us careening into the ceiling. All in a day's work, right?

I needed to get my ego under control. I didn't realize it then, but I had grown overconfident, dangerously so. For, even as we stepped out of the shaft, we went into a potentially deadly situation.

I had no clue that when we made it to the Observation Deck, we actually contacted a Klingon ship, and not Starfleet Command. I cursed myself when I realized it much later. Mistakes like that could have cost people their lives.

I was lucky. I knew I was good, but I had forgotten that much of my success was due to being at the right place at the right time. The rest was due to my people and their trust in me.

How the hell could I have buried that truth?

When I watched my two best friends face Sybok's strange confessional, I began to see where I went wrong.

Because of Sybok, I watched Bones suffer through the death of his father for a second time. But unlike the real event, when I avoided my friend's sorrow and gave him mostly platitudes, this time I actually observed his pain.

His father's death tortured Leonard and ate away at his soul. I never noticed that before. It was embarrassing to admit how much I had missed of my friends' lives because I was preoccupied with my own.

Watching Bones debate and mourn again made me want to hug him to me and tell him I understood his pain. As I should have done the first time.

But I couldn't. Not when I had to watch Sybok and make sure he didn't hurt my people. So I shook myself and told myself to remember, to understand what Bones went through. When this was over, I could find a way to correct my mistake.

But then Sybok performed his Vulcan magic and Bones' pain seemed to disappear. That frightened me. By this time, I had seen what the Vulcan's spell had done to Chekov and Uhura. Was it now too late to save Bones? I didn't know.

Before I could figure that out, Sybok turned to his brother. 'Oh no,' I lamented. Had I missed something with Spock too?

I watched in fascinated horror as the energy Sybok exuded showed us Spock's birth. My poor bondmate. I knew his childhood had been harsh, but I didn't know Sarek's problems with his younger son had started at the very beginning. I reached into the bond without thinking, needing to provide solace.

But Spock stayed my mental hand. He didn't reject me. Instead, he asked to stand on his own for the moment.

So I quashed my fears and let him handle it.

At first, Sybok seemed to capture Spock's mind through his trickery. I saw a younger brother turned away by the older for his own good, making his eyes shine with pain. My heart cried for him and then roared at Sybok for making him relive something that troubled him.

When Sybok seemed to be done with his brother, I girded myself for a fight. I wasn't about to let this conman hypnotize me. What I said was true. I needed my pain. Right then, my pain was telling me I had to be strong for my crew. They had no clue what Sybok was. They just knew he made them feel better.

But then my friends shocked me.

Instead of following Sybok's lead, Spock looked his brother in the eye and told him that his family was here, on this ship. His assertion seemed to help Bones, who also shook off Sybok's magic and stood by us.

I was humbled by what my friends showed me at that moment. I could see the reason for their solidarity on their faces. They trusted me. They trusted each other. We weren't just co-workers. After twenty years of service together, we were family.

I reached through the bond as my guilt weighed on me. 'How could I have not known this?'

Spock sent me a calming wave. 'You have always known. Have you not risked your life for each of us?'

'But I neglect all of you the rest of the time...'

'You have taken care of us in your own way. We all trust that you will continue to do so. Watch and learn, t'hy'la. What you seek has been with you for many years.'

I nodded minutely, trusting Spock to understand the truths I couldn't comprehend at the moment. As it was, I couldn't talk philosophy right now. I had a family to protect.

So I challenged Sybok and his plan. He was so wrapped up in his dreams that he couldn't see how absurd his mission was. Who just goes knocking on God's door and expects to be let in?

But he wouldn't see reason. He just assumed that we'd change our minds once we saw what was beyond the known galaxy.

I sighed as the crazy Vulcan left the Observation Deck, then looked to my two friends. "Now what?"

Bones shrugged. "Overpower the guards?"

Spock nodded. But a moment later we crossed the Great Barrier. The ship rocked and shook. I motioned to them both to sit down, but they refused, standing by my side as if they belonged there.

Of course they did.

We used the only decoration in the room, the great ship's wheel, as an anchor as we watched the barrier try to shake our Lady apart. Then, suddenly, there was calm. We could see space once again. And a planet began to fill our view.

I nodded to my friends. It was time for us to take control, before Sybok's madness ripped our family apart. With that in mind, we left the Observation Deck with a determined clip to our steps.

We walked calmly out the door and overpowered the guards with an ease borne of long practice. The two men were amateurs, making Bones shake his head as we walked to the bridge. "Not exactly the brightest in the bunch."

I grinned. "If you want a challenge, Bones, come climb El Capitan with me when we get back to Earth."

"Oh, no. I'm staying away from your damned fool ways of 'relaxing'. Do you realize how close you were to death?"

I nodded with my head down. His fear for my safety humbled me. "I'm sorry I frightened you."

Bones sighed and clapped me on the shoulder. "Just make sure you take Spock with you if you decide to do it again."

"I promise." I smiled as Spock inclined his head, responding to the implied message from us. Our family had given him the responsibility of taking care of me many years ago. And he took that job very seriously.

Bones visibly relaxed. I did too. I was grateful for the forgiveness I saw in Len's eyes.

Then the turbolift opened and I became their captain again.

I revised my opinion of Sybok the minute I stepped onto the bridge. The Vulcan wasn't as crazy as I had thought. He either didn't want to fight with me, or knew the ship's dynamic well enough to know I could take my crew back from him with a few words. So he let me have control.

He didn't have a lot to lose at this point. Now that were at the planet, he figured I couldn't leave without taking a peek at what was down there.

That was our mission, after all, exploring the unknown. But even though I was itching to check the place out, I wasn't letting just anyone beam down. I was going to risk my own neck first, along with the most prepared of the others. That meant Bones and Spock.

I would have left Sybok behind if he argued with me about procedure. But since he didn't, I decided to assert my authority and take my ship out of the hands of his people. I handed the conn over to Chekov, who gave me a remorseful look as he took the command chair.

Patting his shoulder with a small smile, I re-established my trust in him. "You did nothing wrong."

That wasn't what he expected. He probably had been worried about a court-martial. His shock was reflected in the eyes that trailed me as I took the landing party to the shuttlecraft.

When we settled the Galileo on the planet, I was amazed to find an intelligence there. Sybok was right about that, at least.

The disembodied head looked like a god and spoke like a god. But as soon as it tried to take our home from us, I knew this was no god.

What does a god want with a starship? None of the ones I knew of needed a vehicle to traverse the universe. No god I know would be restrained to a planet. And omniscient...well, the being failed that test too.

The devil, now that's another matter.

My fears were confirmed when I ended up facing a bolt of lightning reminiscent of Zeus. Damn, that thing hurt when it hit me. Of course, it wasn't exactly meant to sting. That thing was set to kill.

It must have startled Spock, because he practically leapt through the bond to make sure I was still breathing.

But I had to reassure him quickly because it was his turn to confront the 'god'.

Then I was the one reaching through the bond as Spock was thrown to the ground.

Hurting Spock was the entity's biggest mistake. Sybok realized he had been fooled when he saw his brother lying on the ground. So he made a move worthy of the emotional Vulcan he was.

I grabbed Spock's arms as soon as I realized what Sybok was about to do. I wrapped my physical and mental presence around my bondmate as he watched his brother in horror. We couldn't tear our eyes away as Sybok joined his energy with the entity's in an attempt to overpower it, sacrificing himself for the family he barely knew.

In the end, Sybok definitely acted like a son of Sarek.

To make sure his sacrifice was not in vain, I signalled the ship to torpedo the entity. After a short argument about the sanity of firing within feet of our position, Chekov let one go.

I made sure we were out of the way. Pavel would have never forgiven me if I didn't.

But the prisoner of this planet was stronger than we thought. At his direction, rocks started flying over our heads, sending us running for the shuttle. The small vehicle provided cover for us, but it was too damaged to do its main job: get us home. So I ordered Scotty to transport Bones and Spock to the ship. I figured I could hold off the entity as I waited for the transporter to recharge.

But the pile of rocks that the unimaginative 'god' had formed into a facsimile of a man was too strong. Scotty would beam up a sack of broken bones if I stayed in the shuttle. So I ran.

The damned thing followed me step for step. It seemed to have psy abilities. I couldn't shake it.

Then, out of nowhere, those Klingons showed up. You know, the ones I didn't know I contacted on the Observation Deck. I felt like a sitting duck as the Bird of Prey loomed above me while the rock creature lumbered toward me on the ground.

At that point, all I could do is hope for a quick death as I said a silent goodbye to my bondmate.

I felt an annoyed huff in reply as the Bird of Prey fired on the rock creature.

Not understanding Spock's message in my moment of panic, I cursed the Klingons as they turned their guns towards me. Then, to my shock, I was beamed aboard the ship.

I didn't understand what had happened until two Klingons dragged me to the bridge. Seeing General Korrd, the Klingon diplomat, was strange enough. But when the gunner's seat turned towards me, I saw...Spock!

I was so shocked and so grateful that I nearly staggered out of the Klingons' grip before Korrd had them release me.

My hands immediately grabbed for my t'hy'la. My friend, brother, lover. Then I gave him an emotional display that had him flushing green.

'Did you not trust your family, Jim?' Spock asked through the bond as I backed out of the hug and regained my composure. 'They entrusted me with your safety. As you know, I follow my orders to the best of my ability.'

I chuckled and almost hugged him again, but I restrained myself this time.

After a small celebration of our survival, I sent my family back to shore leave. We had enough adventure for the moment. The next threat would be on us before we knew it.

But before I sent my senior crew off, I made sure to take each of them aside and personally thank them for their service and their friendship. As I listened to their replies, I was shocked to find that Spock was right. They knew I cared even before I said a word. So, with much good cheer, I got smiles and handshakes, and a hug or two. Along with them came admonishments to keep out of trouble, so that they didn't have to worry about me while we were apart. I grinned ruefully at Nyota, who was the most vocal about this, and promised her that I'd behave.

So I took my two best friends to Yosemite a second time. On this trip, we talked for hours about our lives and how we had grown because of each other. Bones even admitted to Spock that he liked him. Sort of. Well, you can't have everything.

And yes, we taught Spock to sing campfire songs. Including 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat.'

I knew then, if life was a dream, I never wanted to wake up.

end part 7


	9. Chapter 8

Most people find that one of the hardest things to do in daily life is to get rid of an old favorite shirt that no longer fits.

I never expected my captaincy to be that shirt.

But when the Klingons lost the moon Praxis, I realized that not even the best of things could last forever.

The first time I heard the news was when I walked into a Command council chamber after spending a weekend in the Rockies. Spock had said he had something he needed to do for Starfleet, so I had decided to play with some rocks. For the sake of him and the others, I went with a professional guide and we used ropes.

But now, after getting an urgent message from the Federation President, of all people, I walked into a room where my crew was gathering with some of the top mettle in Command.

That told me that we were in for a surprise mission and started a whirlwind of questions in my head. What the hell were we going to be flung into now? Where was Spock?

I sat across from Nyota and shared a puzzled look with her until the Starfleet Special Envoy was announced by the Commander in Chief.

As I watched Spock walk over to the podium, I immediately started poking him through the bond. '*What* is going on?'

'Patience, t'hy'la. I will explain.' Spock shielded his side of the bond with a light barrier. Damn, I had a feeling I wasn't going to like this.

Spock started speaking of the Klingons and the destruction of their moon. It seemed that they overmined and paid for it when the moon broke into pieces. This, of course, disrupted the economy, the weather patterns, and the general well-being of Kronos and its people. Now they needed help to survive.

As my bondmate outlined plans for dismantling the Neutral Zone, more thoughts whipped around my head. Klingons as allies? God, what was the universe coming to?

Then Spock told us that he had volunteered the Enterprise to make the first move towards the Klingons. Suddenly, the shield in the bond made sense. He was trying to isolate himself from my emotions because he knew I'd be upset. But I started pounding on it, letting the other half of me know what I thought of his plan.

How the hell was I supposed to make nice with Klingons? Was it even possible after they killed my son and on numerous occasions, tried to kill me and the rest of my family?

When the Starfleet brass left the meeting, with my crew staggering in shock behind them, I turned to Spock.

'You have a lot of gall!' I hurled through the bond as he let the shield disintegrate.

He made reference to 20th century politics, the time in which Earth began its unification. I snapped at him. This wasn't about Earth, nor was he Nixon.

In my fear and anguish, I went too far. "Let them die"...? Damn, I still cringe when I remember those words coming out of my mouth.

Confused emotions were my only excuse. As a crew, we were on our way out. I was looking forward to traveling for the fun of it, instead of because there was somewhere urgent we needed to be. But now Spock shoved us into something new. Something I didn't know how to handle.

He should have let it be. He should have trusted me. If we had played our cards right, we could have just completed a couple of milk runs before we were done with our duty. Then he could have joined the Vulcan diplomatic corps and I could have followed him, or taken off on my own adventures, as the mood suited us.

But he had to go and volunteer us for this...this fool's gamble.

Despite all my posturing, Spock knew I couldn't resist a sincere cry for help. So he just stared at me until I relented. Someone had to do this. It might as well be us.

I sighed uneasily and told him I'd meet him at home. The one that would only be ours for the next three months. Then I walked to the shuttle that would take me to Spacedock with a headache and an aching heart.

I met up with him again, after a half hour nap, at the ship's docking door. He had apparently done some thinking on the way up, because he formally apologized for surprising me at the meeting.

"I'm sorry, too. My temper..."

Spock nodded calmly. He appeared undisturbed by my earlier outbursts. "You are a man of strong emotions."

I sighed and offered two fingers to my bondmate. "I'll try to control them a little better."

He finished the hand kiss and inclined his head, accepting my apology. "I must go to the bridge and make sure our new staff has received their assignments."

I nodded. "Let me put my stuff in my quarters. I'll be up in a few minutes."

We parted ways and went to perform our respective tasks. When I arrived on the bridge, the rest of the senior crew had arrived and were grumbling about the mission.

I held my tongue. To distract myself from my concerns, I decided to have a little fun with the Vulcan lieutenant who had replaced Hikaru as helmsman. I told her to take us out with impulse engines to see how good she was with the ship's controls.

Although she argued with me in the way Vulcans do, she handled our Lady admirably.

I made sure to get up and squeeze Bones' shoulder as an apology for the heart attack I almost gave him. Then I nodded at Spock in approval of his personnel choice.

Little did we know that our young Vulcan, Valeris, was the key to the debacle we were headed into.

It was my fault that my door was open while I was unpacking and putting an entry in my log. I was waiting for Spock, and figured I'd leave it open in case he finished the final duty roster while I was in the shower. How I longed for the days of our original Lady. This ship had more comforts, but I missed the days when I could walk through the bathroom into Spock's quarters.

Part of me also missed the days in which the definition of 'enemy' was a very clear one. But I had my orders. I intended to follow them.

I hinted at that when Valeris began arguing with me in my open doorway. Damn. What was she doing there?

Only a few people were allowed into my space without permission. She wasn't one of them. But I needed to be on the bridge, so I couldn't really fault her.

As I watched her give me her report, I missed the obvious. How could I have known she was listening to my log?

Not knowing what I was stepping into, I followed her to the bridge to wait for our guests.

When the Klingons arrived at the rendevous point, I am sad to say I hesitated. It was bad enough, obvious enough, for Spock to prod me through the bond. With a mental stumble, I got my ass in gear and contacted them. I even invited them to dinner.

My senior crew wasn't too happy about that. But it was the right thing to do.

The dinner was as awkward as I expected. We didn't know how to relate to Chancellor Gorkon and his associates. Of course, they were as uncomfortable with us as we were with them. That, at least, we had in common.

During the tour, a preliminary to dinner, I could keep moving to hide my nerves. But when we sat down to eat, I had moments where I couldn't stop my mouth from spouting my dislike of the situation. All I can say is that I'm glad I wasn't the only one. As diplomats, we were terrible. Of all of us, only Spock was made for this sort of thing.

The whole situation made me feel old and tired.

But what came after dinner was much much worse. We had barely seen them off, and were headed to bed, when disaster struck.

I blearily made my way to the bridge when Spock urgently requested my presence. I thought he had only gone to perform his routine check before going to bed. I couldn't imagine what kind of problem he had found at that time of night.

Unfortunately, unlike many times before, it wasn't just Spock being overly cautious. The ship seemed to be leaking neutron radiation.

Damn, what could have caused that? I couldn't focus.

Apparently Pavel couldn't either. I shouldn't have let him take night shift after that painful dinner.

So we both were rather rattled when, out of nowhere, torpedoes fired on Kronos One.

What the hell?

I tried to stop our inadvertent attack, but nothing I did was effective. I don't remember yelling my frustration into the bond, but I must have, because Spock tried to calm me as his fingers flew over the science station controls in his own attempt to stop the torpedos.

But none of us could halt them. Galactic peace was on the brink of destruction.

So I did the only thing I could think of. I surrendered to the Klingons. We knew we didn't hit the controls, but the bridge computer reported that we were the ones who fired the weapons.

To make matters worse, Spock's computer disagreed with Scotty's. I was beginning to think that this awful situation was caused by some glitch in the weapons system. If that was the problem, it would be up to me to keep the error from starting a war.

Damn, my head was pounding and I had to physically restrain myself from turning around and running to my quarters. But after a deep breath, I berated myself for my momentary cowardice. You can do this, I told myself. You can make this right again. What I really wanted to do, though, was to tell someone else to take charge.

But the Klingons needed help. I didn't know if they would accept it from me, but I had to try.

Seeing my distress, Spock attempted to put the responsibility on his shoulders. I had the good sense to refuse, even in my shaken state. I was the captain, I needed to take the heat. He needed to use that brain of his to solve this conundrum. But as I left to transport to Gorkon's ship, I felt his hand on my shoulder. On the bridge?

'What?' I asked through the bond, rather befuddled.

'A tracking device. I expect difficulties, my Jim.'

'Yeah, we have plenty of those right now,' I sighed, then headed to the turbolift.

So Bones and I beamed over to the Klingon ship and tried to help. Unfortunately, we couldn't do much. Bones tried to help them with the medical emergencies, but he didn't have enough knowledge of their anatomy to save Gorkon. I tried to explain what happened, but my words sounded flimsy, even though they were true.

In the end, Chang had us arrested. I would have done the same to them, if we were attacked. So we went willingly.

After the emotional upheaval, I barely had enough strength in me to tell Spock we were okay. Thank God for Vulcan psy abilities. He heard me even though my mental whisper was practically drowned out by the exhaustion I was feeling.

Spock continued to use the bond to monitor us and to keep us updated on the investigation as we were prepared for trial. The mockery of a trial.

It was obvious that those beings in the court were out for blood. Even though our lawyer gave it a good shot, he was doomed to fail. Worf, I think his name was. An earnest man. A man, at another time and place, I could have easily been friends with. But as it was, he could do very little for us other than hope.

I'm afraid it didn't do much good. We were sentenced to life on the infamous asteroid Rura Penthe. The alien's graveyard.

Now it was my turn to hope...that my bondmate could pull off a miracle. Spock needed to figure out how to get us off that inhospitable rock quickly.

Because if he didn't, we'd be dead within a month.

The asteroid was far worse than we could have imagined. It was brutally cold, with brutal people, and we had to do a brutal job. But what really had me up in arms was that I couldn't hear Spock anymore.

I almost panicked when the signals from him stopped. The last thing I heard was some quote from Sherlock Holmes that he used to motivate the crew. The his 'voice' cut off and I suddenly found a shield between us. Startled and scared, I pounded on it, but there was no reply.

The shield distracted me so much that I nearly walked into Bones as we made our way into the living area...if you can call shivering and starving in that cold, dank cave living.

Oh, how I felt for our good doctor. He had tried so hard to save Gorkon, but the jury maligned him for his 'fake' efforts at the trial. Their taunts weighed heavily on him, even though there wasn't a grain of truth to them. No matter what I said, he continued to believe that we were in this awful place because he failed.

But through it all, he was rather stoic. He didn't say a word as the guards aboard the rickety prison ship handed us the furs we needed to survive, though they stunk like death. He just shrugged as we were manhandled off the ship and onto that icy planetoid.

We didn't realize how harsh our sentence was until we arrived at our new home. That oversight was corrected practically the second we stepped onto the ice. We stared in shock as the warden, to show us how things worked there, ordered a prisoner thrown naked in the snow. The poor man died as we watched.

The atmosphere was even harsher in that cave we were supposed to live in. I was accosted by a mean looking...something about a minute after I entered the main room.

Luckily, a female humanoid reasoned with it and was able to send it on its way to bother someone else. The humanoid, Martia, also informed us about the plot against us. Someone really wanted our heads if they weren't willing to wait and let the conditions kill us.

After that stunning revelation, I went and found a place to lie down. I needed to block out our predicament for a little while. I was getting too old for this.

I was rudely awoken a short time later by a horned being that apparently wanted my spot. Trying to be polite, I moved and found myself another place to rest. The being didn't want me there either and started shoving me. So I shoved back. Within a minute or two, we were fighting in earnest, with a crowd surrounding us.

Damn.

Luckily, the being wasn't that much stronger than me, and I was able to subdue it with a sharp kick to the knees...uh, excuse me, genitals.

But, even though I won, that fight showed me we couldn't just sit there and wait for Spock to get us out. We had to find our way to the surface as soon as possible.

Martia was willing to help us, so we arranged to meet in the morning after a pretty heated kiss. Yeah, I know I didn't ask for permission that time. But the bond was shielded. And you don't refuse a girl who tells you that she'll help you escape hell.

So we met Martia in the morning at C lift. She easily led us out onto the cold surface of the asteroid and to the edge of the beam-blocking shield. I began to have suspicions about her the minute we saw her at the lift. I had never met anyone of her species before, but her shapeshifting abilities put me on edge. She could have been the one causing our problems in the living quarters, and we would have been none the wiser.

But I let it go for the moment, because she led us to a place where we could be detected by the Enterprise. At least, I hoped they could detect us. In those brutal conditions, I didn't dare check my shoulder to make sure Spock's transponder was still there. I could only walk and pray.

But when we finally found a relatively safe place, I decided I had had enough of our guide's deceptions. So I decked her. Because as we were making our way here, I realized she had been hiding in plain sight. *She* was to be our assassin.

Martia didn't go down without a struggle. Hell, because of her shapeshifting abilities, I ended up fighting 'me' for awhile. The minute I saw my own face looking back at me with murder in its eyes, the memory of her kiss began to make me nauseous.

I was starting to get tired of the game when the warden showed up and conveniently disintegrated my problem. But before he could do more than turn his weapon on me and start to reveal my enemy's name, we found ourselves back aboard the Enterprise.

Damn, Spock's sense of timing was getting sloppy. I wanted that name.

But I was cold enough for my anger to dissipate quickly. And the bond...I almost wept when I felt Spock raise the shield between us and reach out to me.

'I missed you.' I told him silently.

'And I you.'

'Why did you hide from me?' I let him feel my annoyance.

He was apologetic, to a point. 'I needed full concentration. I did not wish to cause you pain, but it was imperative I function at my best to solve this dilemma. Clearing your name was paramount. But your presence is...distracting. I could not allow it to interfere when any delay might mean your death.'

I sighed as I reached to touch his mind lightly. 'I know. I'll try to fix that.'

Spock shook his head. 'Kaiidith. You are who you are.' He returned my touch warmly.

That was all the reunion we got before we had to get back to work.

Because a minute later, Scotty came running to us with some uniforms. Uniforms covered in Klingon blood.

All it took was a turn of a corner and an open turbolift to find out who the uniforms belonged to. The culprits' bodies were on the floor of the lift. My eyes went wide when I realized they were security officers from this very ship.

Damn.

I wasn't the only one kicking himself over that fact. I looked up from the corpses to see Spock flushed green with guilt. He immediately blamed himself for their crime because he was the one in charge of all the crew assignments.

But I knew that he didn't do anything wrong. If he had noticed anything suspicious about these two when they had come aboard, they would have been left at Spacedock. So I quickly calmed him through the bond and pulled him aside.

I knew their killer was aboard the ship, so I hammered out a plan with Spock to catch her. Yes, I figured out that Valeris was the orchestrator of this plot when a piece of my log showed up in our trial.

With another flush of green, Spock apologized for making 'illogical' assignments. Gently, I reminded him that nobody, NOBODY, can see into the soul of a person without a strong connection to them. It wasn't his fault.

Then, knowing that time was of the essence, I grabbed McCoy before he went to sickbay with the bodies and told him what we planned to do.

"You'd better be careful," Bones grumbled.

We did our best to reassure him and then went to put our plan into action.

As we waited in the darkness for Valeris, we talked through the bond about what had been going on while we were apart. I told my bondmate how I had been more frightened for Bones than myself on Rura Penthe. He told me how he foolishly relied on the young Vulcan during the investigation. I told him to stop beating himself up. We were about to rip this conspiracy wide open.

A few minutes later, Valeris came in seeking to kill her helpers, who were already dead. But instead of her co-conspirators, she found us on the bio-beds.

Angry at her betrayal of their planet's philosophy, Spock began to argue with her. I had a second of panic when she pointed her phaser at him, but I could see there weren't enough negative emotions in her to shoot the being she viewed as a mentor.

That didn't mean I liked the way Spock flirted with danger. My glare scolded him for taunting her.

In order to expedite our information gathering, we brought Valeris in front of the senior crew. They needed to know what demon had hidden among our family. I could see the shock written all over Scotty's face. Uhura and Chekov just looked sad.

As I watched their faces, I realized how we had let her slip by us. We had trusted the legends too much. We should have known that even Vulcans could twist logic.

That fact led me to think, for a moment, that I might have to turn my bondmate over to Starfleet Command as well.

I shouldn't have let him do it. I knew a mind-rape when I saw one. But when Valeris hinted at having help from other people, I had to know who they were. The success of the new conference with the Klingons depended on it.

So when Spock indicated he wanted to mindmeld with Valeris, I let him.

It was torture to watch. We all could see her resisting him. It obviously hurt her badly, because Spock slammed down a shield to protect me. Not expecting the sudden barrier, I jumped.

He pulled the information from her slowly, one name at a time. During the procedure, pain suffused her normally calm face. It took so much out of her that she collapsed when he was done. But though we cringed as we watched her punishment, not even Bones argued with Spock's method. The information was too dear.

From the minute it started, I knew I wouldn't be putting that little event into my log. I also wouldn't get any objection from Valeris. Her expression afterwards told me that she wouldn't bring it up to anyone. She now knew what Spock was capable of. She didn't want to be on the receiving end a second time.

I was glad to have her running scared. Considering that she not only killed people who came to us for help, but also threatened the lives of those Spock considered most dear, the bitch got off easy.

So, with a quick call to Captain Sulu, who had kept the Excelsior near to protect and aid us, we were racing towards Khitomer to save the conference participants.

As the Enterprise hit warp 8, I went to talk to Spock.

When I found him, he told me that I wasn't the only one who thought he was getting too old for all this adventure.

We argued a little about what went wrong, then started to make plans for a life without Starfleet. It was time to get out. Let the young handle the risk and the duty.

It was time for us to live for us. But first, we had to save the galaxy one more time.

Of course, it wasn't a simple task. Chang's new and improved Bird of Prey nearly took us out as we searched for it. Firing while cloaked-it just seemed uncivilized somehow.

Hikaru got to us just in time to help us neutralize it. Blood may be thicker than water, but so are the bonds formed by trust and time.

Because of all that had happened, we gave Starfleet a ruined ship when we retired. It was just as well. The new captain would get his or her clean start on the next Enterprise.

But as far as the rescue was concerned-we got to the conference in one piece, by the skin of our teeth. As usual, we arrived right on time. Who or whatever watched over my family had a dramatic sense of timing.

We didn't even have time to say hello when we entered the conference chamber. I flew at the Federation President after spotting the sniper preparing to fire in the eaves above us. Scotty handled the sniper. Spock took out Admiral Cartwright. For not having a real plan other than to save everyone, we did well.

Then we made our grand exit from serving king and country.

We stole our starship a second time.

It was only for a short cruise, just a few hours. We only wanted to see a few things nearby. We wanted to have one last defiance of the establishment before we become shadows in the background.

It was Spock's idea, so how could we not?

It's not often you hear a Vulcan tell anyone to go to hell.

end part 8


	10. Chapter 9

You would think that we walked off into the sunset at that point, right?

Life is never that simple. Walking away from Starfleet became messy, painful, and ultimately destructive.

But more about that later...Because I need to remember the good times first.

Spock and I took some time for ourselves after we resigned our commissions. We first travelled to Iowa to see my nephew Peter, who was there with his wife and kids. They wanted to try life on Earth for awhile. We didn't stay there long, though. Since Mom died, the farm seemed too quiet. Peter understood and didn't object when we headed to Vulcan after a few days.

Vulcan was where I finally got to teach my bondmate about the true meaning of being loved by a human.

After visiting with his parents, Spock took me on a tour of the geographical sites of the planet. We explored small rivers and oases, canyons and sand dunes. They were all beautiful in their own harsh ways. But the site that caught my attention the most housed a small volcano.

It was in a valley, surprisingly enough, between two larger hills. Its location and size reminded me of a young boy standing between his two older brothers.

When I told this to Spock, he raised an eyebrow and told me that the small volcano was the remnant of the gigantic one that created Vulcan's continuous land mass. That little thing had completely covered the planet with its lava and had hid most of the water underground.

I nodded when he finished his explanation and gave him a smile. "I owe a debt of gratitude to that volcano, then."

"Oh?" Spock looked at me curiously.

"If it wasn't for that volcano and the planet it created, I wouldn't know you. Your logic, your tenacity, and your sharp mind are all a result of this land and its conditions."

"Yet you, a man from a gentler place, tempered them. You helped me refine my being. I would not be who I am now if you were not with me." He took my hands and squeezed gently.

Although I was flattered by his comment, I knew he was giving me more credit than I deserved. "You would have found a way. You always seem to know what you need to grow, to become more than you are at the moment."

"Much of the time, you have been part of what I needed to spur that growth, t'hy'la. You must realize that by now."

I shrugged. "I was a convenient foil or cheerleader when I needed to be."

Spock looked at me with a slightly exasperated expression. "False modesty is not necessary. In fact, it is a hinderance. For I need you again this day, so I may learn."

I blinked in confusion. We were on vacation, not a mission. Even Vulcans needed to rest once in awhile. So I had to ask, "Learn what?"

He gave me one of his unwavering looks. The subject of his lesson had to be serious, something that meant a lot to him. So I waited patiently until he could admit he needed to know more about "Human expressions of affection."

Puzzled, I started walking along the base of the volcano. His request made no sense. It sounded like the things we had been teaching him as a child of 35 (Given their long lives, most Vulcans are considered to be youths until about 50). "Spock, you've watched people express all kinds of affection over the years. You've even been on the receiving end of a lot of them, from me and from others. By now, you should have all of them labelled and classified. What more could you learn from me?"

Spock came over and stopped my pacing with a light hand on my shoulder. He then laid a single finger on my lips to quiet me as he spoke. "I wish to learn those which you find most meaningful when you wish to convey love."

Oh. That was something entirely different. Something much more personal. My heart leapt as I considered the possibilities in his words. Was it finally my turn to give to him? Was he really allowing me to show him how much I loved him?

I examined his somber face. To most, it would look just like any other Vulcan's. But I saw a twinkle in his eyes that hinted at the deep feelings that he hid behind his countenance.

I kissed the finger lightly. "All of them?" I asked quietly.

Spock nodded. "I have reserved a room in a building a few kilometers away."

With that, I let my bondmate lead me away from the volcano and to a transport that took us to what could be best described as an inn.

It was a tall structure, like most Terran hotels, but it had an earthiness and quiet that reminded me of old English inns.

Our room had a great view of that little volcano and the two hills guarding its sides. I smiled as I stood by the window and looked out to see the sight that had so fascinated me. "You know so much about me. More than I do, at times."

When I turned away from the window, Spock was taking off his meditation robe and setting it aside. He nodded in acknowledgement of my observation, then added, "But your affectionate nature is something I have kept at arm's length. I believe it is time to change that."

"Why now?" We had been married nearly thirty years. It was a bit late for a 'getting to know you' session.

But I should have known my Vulcan would have a logical explanation, even at that point. I watched as the corners of Spock's mouth lifted in a small smile. "Because now I have fewer reasons to hold you away."

I nodded my understanding. Our lives had changed in ways that made us more accessible to each other. "No decorum to maintain, no 3 am red alerts."

"Precisely." The twinkle in his eyes grew more pronounced.

I walked away from the window and watched Spock sit on the bed. As I moved closer, he held out his hand to me.

"I will not beg this time, t'hy'la. But I still must ask."

"I will always say yes." Unable to resist for a second more, I leaned down and kissed him before we both climbed into bed.

He must have known how much this opportunity meant to me. Because, for the first time in our relationship, he allowed me complete control over our physical joining. I didn't realize what a difference that made until I touched him. It was a simple touch, really. I just laid a hand on his side to feel his heart beat.

The light caress made Spock tremble and moan. That, in turn, made me gasp softly as the bond flared with his emotions: love, desire, fear.

He wanted to just let himself feel them, but his training fought him at every turn. So I reminded him that he was in a safe place, a place where he could be himself without worry. "Shh. It's just us. You can let your control go." To emphasize my point, I ran my hand up his side soothingly.

It took a few minutes and some coaxing, but when my bondmate finally freed himself of logic's restraint, he practically glowed.

This was the essence of the being I married, the self I had glimpsed so briefly after Spock's Kohlinar trial. To see it again filled me with awe. I felt unworthy to be given such a gift.

But he chose me. So, in return, I did as he had asked. I made love to him.

When he responded to me without hesitation, as if I was his whole existence, I cried. Tears ran down my face as I caressed his body. Sobs were wrenched from me as I slid into him.

And when I saw the tears of joy running down his face, I orgasmed. But once again, the physical sensations in that moment were nothing compared to the mental ecstacy we shared. This time, my emotions were secondary to his. I was amazed at how much I made him feel and at his trust that I wouldn't take advantage of his vulnerable state.

I collapsed on him, overwhelmed.

Spock wrapped me in his arms as I wept. Then he kissed me. A human kiss. It created such strong emotions in me that I had to make love to him all over again.

Not two minutes after we had finished.

It was like that all day and into the night. We loved each other continuously. Looking back, it's like seeing the mirror image of our first time together.

They both seemed to go on forever, but where the first had been fierce, this was gentle. Where the first had been painful, this was ecstatic. Where the first had been driven by biology, this was driven by the heart.

It was also the last. I didn't know it at the time. Even if I had, I wouldn't have changed a thing.

It's the events after that day that I wish I could change. Because I did something insanely stupid.

I became infatuated with someone else.

I know what you're thinking. How could I, after that night?

It was surprisingly easy.

After our planetary tour, Spock stayed on Vulcan to train for the diplomatic corps. I went back to Earth to help Peter sell the farm. We both decided it was time to let go of the past.

I was only supposed to be there a few weeks. But there were old land deeds to sort through and Mom's trinkets to divide between us and sell. Then, Peter decided he wanted to move to my uncle's horse farm a few kilometers away. Of course, I found myself helping with that, too.

The weeks turned into months, and before I knew it, two years had passed.

Without Spock around, I was lonely. Oh, I know. It was my own fault I was on Earth. But I was convinced Peter needed me. And since we tended not to speak through the bond, it gave me only a small steady reminder of Spock's presence in my mind. But I needed more. And as before, what I couldn't get from him, I sought elsewhere.

While helping Peter, I met Antonia, a horse trainer who lived a kilometer down the road from my uncle's place. She was in her 40s but looked at least ten years younger. I quickly became attracted to the spirit in her that reminded me of myself at an earlier age.

True to our arrangement, Spock approved of the first time I slept with her.

But because of my loneliness, I found that I wanted more. Her verve pulled me in, making it easy to push aside that constant presence in my mind.

As I became more involved with Antonia, Spock's connection with me began to fade. Oh, the bond didn't disintegrate. He just stopped leaving it open.

I didn't even notice. I thought I was in love with this gorgeous woman at my side. By the time I told her a couple weeks later, I couldn't even detect Spock's presence. When I realized what had happened, I figured that Spock accepted my choice. I tapped on the shield between us a few times to make sure, but he didn't answer me. Not even to say goodbye.

I don't know what the hell possessed me at the time, but I actually believed Spock had found someone else, too. So I stopped trying to reach him. Then I turned back to Antonia.

Antonia was a good woman, She loved me with a rather easy passion. But after about a year with her, I got the itch for space again.

By this time, the Enterprise-B had been built, and its captain was asking me to join the media event that was to be their maiden voyage. Without hesitation, I dug out my old uniform and told Antonia I had somewhere else to be.

She argued. She pleaded. She embarrassed herself to try to get me to stay. She knew if I went up on that ship, I wouldn't be coming back. I'd find a freighter...or a tugboat. Hell, I'd let them promote me to Admiral again if it would mean getting back to the things I loved.

None of her entreaties changed my mind. I needed this, and I would do anything to get it. Anything to get into space again. Anything to feel that fire again. Anything to feel the joy of exploring with my crew...

Yeah, you can see where this is going. It wasn't about space, it was about Spock. It was about the family that was scattered across Earth and a few other planets.

So I contacted some members of that family. Pavel and Scotty were both still in the Fleet and were glad to join me in the new Enterprise's sendoff. Afterwards, Pavel promised a lunch where we could talk about possible options for a rather washed-up captain.

But I wouldn't-couldn't contact Spock, except for a light tap on the shield that had been in the bond since I declared my love for Antonia. When my tap wasn't answered, I sighed and figured that his silence told me everything I needed to know. Because of my stupidity, I was now alone.

My heart felt like it weighed a ton. What had I done?

Pavel could see the stress on my face when I boarded the Enterprise-B and shook hands with Captain Harriman. He believed it was due to the circus of people surrounding us. I let him think that. I didn't want to talk about how low I was feeling.

I couldn't help but feel depressed. I had made the worst mistake of my life: leaving my bondmate. I had done it blindly, without regard to Spock's feelings. All for the love of a woman I couldn't care less about now.

I deserved to stand on that Vulcan sand, as we did so long ago, and face Spock's lirpa once again. This time unarmed.

My pain made me restless. To make matters worse, now I wasn't allowed to sit in that captain's chair two meters in front of me.

And I was the one who caused both situations.

So when Harriman received that distress signal, I was relieved. Relieved to have something to do. To have a reason not to dwell on my fate.

But the ship was not prepared to be two meters from Spacedock. Nothing was installed yet.

The three of us were appalled as we watched that first ship explode. Emergencies like this are the reason you should never take a vessel out in less than fighting condition. But we were here, and the people in the other ships needed help. So, I got Harriman to buck up so he could at least save some of them. Scotty made the Enterprise respond as it should. And Pavel, well, he made Bones proud.

Then we became caught in whatever had destroyed the first ship.

While Scotty planned our way out, I raced down to deck 15 to the deflector relays. I wasn't about to let these kids die on their first walk around the block.

I got the relays working as fast as I could. The tremor in Scotty's voice when I slammed the panel door shut told me I had done it with only seconds to spare.

I breathed a sigh of relief, then turned to get up...and the wall behind me was ripped off the ship.

The next thing I knew, the shield in the bond was shattered and I heard a shout from the other side.

T'HY'LA!

I don't remember anything else until I woke up inside you, ribbon of light. You made me forget most of my past. You gave me back the last happiness I had and blocked out the pain. Until Captain Picard of the Enterprise-D showed up and offered me something I couldn't refuse.

The chance to save the galaxy once again.

So I went to that planet with Picard. Veridian II. I seemed to recall it being on the Fleet's forbidden list because of a developing society on a planet nearby.

You didn't even hesitate to let us go. Picard must have wanted to save his crew as much as I wanted something productive to do. Hey, 78 years is a long time to spend doing nothing. In the past, Spock would have distracted me if I ever had to sit still for more than 30 minutes.

But now I was raring to go. I fought the mad scientist Picard was up against with an excitement I didn't expect. It was invigorating.

I could see you above us, wanting to claim us again. But I wouldn't let you. I wouldn't let Soren destroy all those innocent people just to be inside you.

I had been given a chance to embrace love. Let me tell you, Nexus, your ribbon of light and artificial joy pale in comparison.

I wouldn't let those people suffer in falsehood when they could have the reality of each other. So I helped Picard. I fought Soren. I kept the madman away from Picard as he juryrigged that weapon to self-destruct.

Then I fell. I miscalculated, and the scaffolding around the missile broke away, taking me with it.

So here I lie, staring up at you, Nexus, my companion for more than half my years of existence. The half I don't remember. It's just as well. It makes the important memories easier to find.

But now I can feel where the scaffolding is crushing my chest. I'm having trouble breathing. I know it won't be long before it's all over. I will finally be facing that which I've avoided for so long.

Death.

Oh. Oh, no. Not now...

The bond just opened. The shield is gone!

Spock lives still...and will feel me die.

Oh, Spock. Spock, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm sorry I won't have the time to make it up to you.

Oh, fading fast... Breathe, for him. Can't let him think he is to blame...You can do this.

Live long and prosper, my love.

Thank you.

Spock.

T'hy'la.

end part 9 and story


End file.
